


Sunbeams and Broken Dreams

by Pooks79



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-16
Updated: 2013-08-16
Packaged: 2017-12-23 17:08:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 37,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/928996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pooks79/pseuds/Pooks79
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when you realize that your life is no longer the fairytale you made it out to be and your dreams although fantasy, is your hearts way of showing you your true path to happiness. do you listen or  deny ur heart its forever?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**A/N – so just as a heads up, you all know I am fully team Jacob however, this story will have quite a bit of Edward in the beginning so please just bear with me because as most of you know, it doesn’t take long for Jake to make an introduction. I hope you enjoy this story and just know it is AU with supernatural elements which may include bad language and sexual content. Enjoy!**

**BPOV**

Dreams are often the minds way of coping with the daily trials and tribulations of ones life. Often times it is when we are in the deepest of sleep that our minds work out the various aspects of our lives that need repair or sometimes, it’s to rejoice in the hopes and aspirations of things to come.

I never thought much about it really, not until my dreams seemed to consume my waking hours. I was finding it hard to differentiate between what was real and what was just a wishful dream manifestation. I often thought of myself as crazy from not being able to tell the difference between the two that was until the dream became more of what I wanted than what I yearned for.

I had been stuck in a life I neither wished nor longed for. My marriage had been filled with empty promises and lonely nights and the only comfort I found was when I was asleep. My husband didn’t possess this gift of sleep although the many that were offered with his transformation were both a blessing and a curse; sleep was not one of them. 

I married young not out of choice but as a contingency. I knew so many lives were at stake so the only right thing to do was move forward with the change. At first it was something I wanted, craved and longed for; endless beauty, power and money seemed more than I could ever wish for and when that was coupled with timeless bliss who could ask for more.

I was a naïve child. I fell for the glitz and glamour of this life because I thought I was in love. I thought that my prince charming had come to take me away from the monotony of my life. Little did I know I went from one mundane life to another. This was not how the fairytale was supposed to end. Where was my castle on the hill, the never-ending admiration and love that came with marrying your true love? I found myself almost bitter that these falsehoods were hidden from me, that I was too blinded by the elusion of it all to see the truth.

My bitterness grew each day I was forced to stay within the confines of my bedroom. A place that was supposed to be filled with the endless echoes of passion and love yet it was hollowed by my deep seeded regret and utter despair. I cried myself to sleep but found such happiness once my body gave into my dreams.

Each moment I spent within the heat of my sun I felt instantly comforted.  He made me feel alive, my skin burned with the love I felt for him and my body yearned for him with such a passion there weren’t even words to adequately describe it.  When I slept my mind, body and soul were at peace because within my dreams I finally felt whole.

It took every ounce of strength left within me to run away leaving behind my prison, my so called family and my failed marriage. I sit here with my notebook in hand while I take the long trip back home. I’m not sure what will happen once I arrive or if I will even recognize the faces that were once so familiar to me. The thought of returning home brought such fear I was tempted to turn back and admit defeat however, in my moment of despair his voice rang clearly through my ears as if he were sitting right next to me.

_“Come back to me”_

 

It was true I was basing my hopes of success on my dreams knowing full well that it might lead to a disastrous outcome but I had to try. Ten years was a long time and although I hoped to be welcomed with open arms, I knew I would have to fight to receive such forgiveness. 

There was a steep hill approaching and although I knew the journey would be laced with many misfortunes and potential loss I was keeping my eyes on the prize. If I could weather this storm I knew on the other side lied the one true prize to be had, the light at the end of this very dark tunnel I called life, my light, Jacob Black.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer – I don’t own anything Twlight.

The bus pulled out of the station and was out onto the snow covered highway in no time. The farther I got from my prison, the more worried I became. I second guessed every decision I had made since being married to Edward. He made me feel inferior and to some degree, brain washed me into believing it. I was his prisoner also known as his wife, but we never shared a bed for more than one night. 

I went from freedom to lack of almost overnight. I guess it’s true what they say, looks can be deceiving but I never knew how true that was until I was in too deep to do anything about it. 

This long bus ride home gave me time to think, plot, and decide what I was going to do once I got back to Forks. I didn’t know if things had changed or not since my so called “death” and I feared maybe too much had changed that my remerge would be unsettling or worse forbidden. I knew I had no right to expect a cheerful welcome home party, but I prayed that in time and with numerous explanations, it would make it easier to receive forgiveness or at the very least tolerance. 

However I did have to consider that even with a perfectly good excuse, forgiveness wouldn’t be extended and I might be asked to leave. Was I ready for such a dismissal? Could I handle it from the man I wished I had married ten years ago?

These questions made my stomach unsettled and my anxiety more persistent. There was no turning back now. If I was going to stand in the light of my sun, I had to be ready to receive the burn’s I might incur. This was my cross to bear but one I would humbly carry for the rest of my life if it meant I could turn my dreams into a reality. It was my memory of him that kept me from taking my own life and it was the hope that one day I might return to him and attain what I had denied for so long, his love.

My attention was drawn to my right and as I glanced out the window, I couldn’t help but smile and giggle just a little. Two cars traveling at the same speed as the bus, one filled with a mixture of men and women in tuxedo’s and bridesmaid’s dresses and the other with just a woman and a man which I could only presume were the bride and groom were overflowing with laughter and happiness. They seemed overjoyed and no doubt heading towards the reception completely trashed out of their minds. 

Marriage was supposed to be a joyous time, family and friends celebrating in the union of couple that was destined for complete and utter happiness. Their lives a part coming to an end and their new lives together just beginning but unfortunately, that was never in the cards for me. 

Their outlandish behavior reminded me of my wedding day and all the days that followed. It was a time where I felt in control of my life and the choices I made but little did I know I was about to lose it all and make the biggest mistake of my life.

XXXX

I stood in front of the full length mirror turning left to right making sure my wedding dress hung just right. I tried to keep my mind distracted from the radical thoughts of becoming a runaway bride since marriage had never been top on my list of things to do when I graduated high school. I reminded myself that this was my only option, the only way I could have Edward completely.

A cold sweat filled my brow, the freshly applied makeup starting to stream down the side of my face as nervousness coursed through my veins. I reminded myself that every bride got cold feet on their wedding day. 

I tried to walk it out, the long train of my dress following close behind me but its length almost cocooning me into place. I plopped on the bed, anger and annoyance with an undertone of fear fueling my hands as I tried to unwrap myself from my own dress. I never wanted this. I never wanted a big wedding or this stupid dress. 

After several minutes of only making matters worse, I resorted to just sitting still until my father came to get me. I sat there futzing with the bunched up fabric of my dress, my eyes darting from the door to the window repeatedly as I weighed out my options. It would be so easy to just leave. I could run away from this place and knowing Edward, he would find me and maybe then I could convince him we didn’t need this outlandish ceremony to consummate our love. We could find a small chapel out of town and be wed in a matter of minutes but I knew as much as I longed for such things it was too late now. 

The longer I sat waiting to be escorted down the aisle, the more my mind raced with thoughts of why I was doing something I had been totally against after experiencing the divorce of my parents. There was no doubt in my mind that I loved Edward more than life itself but I started to doubt that even if we were married he would still hold restraint with me. He knew that I wanted to be human on my wedding night and that the change would take place upon our return so how is it that he is ok with giving me that connection I long for now and not before. He did always use the excuse that he was a gentleman and wouldn’t take “my virtue” without marriage but what if I decided not to change into one of them? Would our marriage be just brief kisses and hugs? 

Marriage was a commitment to honor love and obey but recently everything had seemed so one sided. I was doing all the above and he was merely “loving” me as he so eloquently put it. 

The crackle of thunder snapped me from my thoughts as the rain came pounding down against the window. Rain was supposed to be good luck at a wedding but I was starting to see it as more of God’s way of telling me I was making a mistake. I tried to remain calm and reminded myself that I wasn’t only doing this for me but for the one person I could save, Jake. 

The thought of him made my cold sweat turn hot. He did always have a way of raising my blood pressure and not in a good way. He was constantly challenging my decision and truly believed he was the more natural choice. It was true I loved him but it wasn’t the same love I had for Edward. I knew that if I married Edward it was a win win situation. 

The Cullen’s advised me that upon our marriage we would move to Moberly Lake, Canada. I knew their departure from Forks would allow Jake to be human; the threat of the Volturi coming would be avoided. I can’t say that my decision was based heavily on this but if I couldn’t have a normal life, I thought at the very least it was the one gift I could give back to the man who had once upon a time made me whole again. 

I stood up from the bed, fought like tooth and nails to be freed from this train that seemed to hug snuggly to my bodes almost defiant of me going anywhere but out of the bedroom door and down towards the ceremony. I inched my way towards the window, hoping the cool air would help ease my distress. I looked out onto the open forest, the trees swaying in defiance of the strong wind that accompanied this harsh storm. I longed for the times when it was just me and Edward walking along their vast timbers and enjoying the peacefulness of our inhabitants.   
Things were so simple then and a small part of me longed for that tiny bit of normalcy we had before the madness fell upon us. 

The sky became so dark it almost scared me how fierce this storm had become. I was never fond of thunder storms and the loud crackling of the lighting as it touched ground just a few miles away from me made Goosebumps rise upon my naked arms. My hands encased my waist as I fought my fear and got lost in the storm.

My eyes looked down towards the front walkway just as brightness of the lighting struck and the rumble of thunder passed through. There standing in his infamous cut off shorts, bare chest and feet, his hands in fists beside him while his chest heaved heavily up and down as he took his breath was Jacob. His anger and discontent rising off his skin in heated vapors as his eyes glared up at me shooting daggers of pain straight at my heart. My heart quaked in my chest, the air lost to my lungs as his anger took me by surprise. My sight became a blur, the images of him a distance memory as the light headedness took effect and I felt myself falling to the ground in refuge. 

Blackness filled my sight while the air fought like hell to breathe life into my body. I could hear the distant calls of my name while cool as ice hands took a strong hold of my arms and shook violently trying to awake me from my pain induced slumber. Pain this strong and intense only happened once in my lifetime and it was a comatose state I didn’t wish to rekindle in my lifetime. 

I fought my body’s reluctance to reenter reality and after a few moments, my eyes fluttered and I came too. Carlisle, Charlie, Alice and Renee were surrounding me, each displaying complete concern over my well-being. I tried to sit up but Carlisle was the first to tell me to just stay down and rest. 

Out of all the Cullen’s, besides Edward of course, he was my favorite. He was always kind and caring and to the outsider, he would seem almost angelic and worthy of saint hood on some level. It would seem this man had not one ill-mannered bone in his body and although the presences of humans demanded his thirst be quenched, he remained reserved and unnoticed. He was a true marvel in his own right and a person I both envied and looked up too.

“I think I’m ok to stand up” I whispered as I fight their restraints to keep me in place.

Charlie was the first to hook under my arm and help me to my feet. Once I got my legs back, I rushed back over to the window but just like the storm had seemed to pass so did Jake. I felt   
my heart beating in my throat. I knew it was selfish of me to want him here but I had hoped even if he couldn’t have my heart the way he intended, he might be there as a friend like he always had. I sighed under my breath and fought the tears from spilling onto my cheeks at his loss.

“Give us a moment will ya?” Charlie said

Everyone left the room and it was Charlie’s soft hand on my arms that brought my eyes up from the floor and directly at him.

“Are you ok Bells? You know, if you don’t want to do this no one is forcing you. You have plenty of time to get married. No one is rushing you here sweetheart.” He said as his hands rubbed   
softly up and down my arms.

What I wanted to say and what I actually said were two totally different things. What I wanted to say was “Oh thank God. Dad I’m so not ready to do this.” However, trying to remain strong and do what I felt was right for not only me but everyone involved I replied “I’m ok dad. I didn’t eat much today so I think it was just my blood sugar getting to low.”

He stared at me and I could swear it was like he was forcing the truth right from my lips with its intensity. My father and I were never physical people but strangely we always knew when something wasn’t right. He never pushed me and I never challenged his authority unless necessary. Edward was the only thing we butted heads about so you could be sure if there was even the slightest bit of second guessing on my part, my father was trying to press it out of me.

“Their playing our tune” I whispered as I heard the bridal song start to play from downstairs. 

He smiled back at me, extended his elbow and we walked out of the bedroom and down the main staircase. All eyes were on me and that was something I was used to but for obvious different reasons. People stared at me because I was quiet, reserved and kept to myself but today, it was because I looked like I was a princess right out of a fairytale. 

Alice made sure I wore nothing other than Vera Wang. The strapless, snug around the waist, three layers of tulle under the base so the dress hung around me like a big hula hoop while the train fell nicely at my rear and followed loosely from behind was a spectacular all onto itself. I think people were more shocked to see me in a dress than anything else but I just smiled and tried to keep focus as we made our way towards the alter.

Everything seemed to be a blur after that. Once my eyes met Edwards it was like I was completely under his spell. I got lost in his eyes. I saw my future, my happiness and my eternal life with him as if it were as clear as day. I wanted to be consumed by him in every way and shorter thereafter, I officially was. Once my Edward induced coma wore off, the only thing I remember hearing was the minister stay, “I know present to you for the first time, Mr. & Mrs. Edward Cullen”.

His cool hand entwined with mine as we walked down the aisle to the cheers and applaud of our guests. You could imagine my surprise when my eyes caught sight of Billy, Sue, Quil and Embry as I made my way out. I didn’t think anyone from the reservation would show even if they were invited. The sight of them did bring me comfort but not the same as if it were Jake.

The reception was held in a tent just outside the main house. Alice spared no experience with the extravagant flower arrangements, table decorations and food. I have to say, I couldn’t have planned it better myself. Edward and I did our rounds greeting and chatting with the various guests seated around the large dance floor. I was happy Edward wasn’t much of a dancer because everyone knew I had two left feet. 

The night seemed to fly by which I was grateful for. I didn’t have a moment to worry about anything other than not tripping over my dress and the minute I showed any signs of distress, Edward was right there beside me comforting me like only he could. I laughed inwardly at my outlandish thoughts earlier today. I couldn’t imagine a life without him and soon I wouldn’t have too. 

The wedding was finally winding down so it gave me a few minutes to run back inside to get changed. I was anxious for us to start our new life together but even more excited for the adventures soon to come on our honeymoon.

I tore the wretched dress from my body and slid on a light and airy sundress with matching sandals. I through a few last minute items in my carry on and headed back downstairs. When I swung open the door, you could imagine my surprise when I saw Jake standing there, the anger replaced by complete and utter disappointment and sadness. His body trembled as his eyes stayed fixated on the porch floor. 

“Congratulations” he hissed through his teeth, his eyes never looking up from the floor and his hands still firmly at his sides balled up into fists.

“Thank you” I replied not sure what else I could say that would make this moment less awkward.

“Don’t thank me. You just sealed your fate”

"Are you threatening me Jake? If you came here to ruin my day then you can just…”

But before I could reply, his eyes came back up to meet mine, the tears cradling along his lower eyes lids while his bottom lip quivered as he responded, “I don’t make threats only promises. I loved you. I gave you everything I had in me and you took it and ran. You stole my heart and now all I have left is this gaping hole in my chest. If you leave here today with him, don’t ever come back.”

“Jake….how could you say that to me! I’m your best friend!” I screamed, the tears falling freely from my eyes as the pain of his words were cutting my heart into pieces.

“Yeah I thought so too Bella. Good luck in your new life. Good bye”

And just like that he was gone. I stood in the doorway petrified in place, his words echoing in my ears and stinging in my heart, the pain overwhelming and earthshattering all at once. Today was supposed to be the happiest day of my life and yet it felt like the end of the world. He never gave me the chance to explain. He didn’t understand I wasn’t doing this to hurt him but to help him. Granted I was marrying Edward because I loved him but also because if the Cullen’s left, Jake could have some resemblance of a normal life and I wanted that for him. 

Our small screaming match seemed to alert everyone as they came tunneling out of the tent to view the spectacle. I wiped the lingering tears from my eyes, smiled and made my way back over towards the crowd. Edward was quick to my side, his endless questioning and swears weren’t helping to ease my distress so I decided to do the one thing I knew to refocus him. I placed my hand on his cheek and whispered “till death do us part”. He smiled back at me, leaned down and whispered back “Death is only the beginning”. 

I never understood the true meaning of those words but now as I look back on it, that day marked the death of my heart and the beginning of my pain. My life would never see the joys it saw that day and what I couldn’t find in my life I regained in my dreams, my dreams of one Jacob Black.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N – now I just want you all to know this chapter was very hard to write. You know I am 150% team Jacob but it was necessary for the storyline to show her life before her return so these back and forth between present and past memories helps you understand how she got to this point. I promise this is the only chapter with this type of content so please bear with me. 

Warning – chapter contains sexual content – you are warned

BPOV

“Now Jake you know you’re not supposed to pick at that” a woman whispered from behind my seat.

I turned and through the crack in between my seat and the one next to me I could see a little boy playing with a scab on his arm. His resemblance to my Jake was striking and almost scary. My Jake I thought to myself. Was he ever really mine? 

When I think back on our childhood together it truly warms my aching heart and reminds me once upon a time it was just him, I and the watery dirt of La Push. He was my best friend and the only one who let me be me. He never asked for much and always gave all of himself in everything he did. Jake was truly the best friend any girl could have and no doubt the best husband as well.

My mind started to race with all the possibility of what my return could mean to him. I never really thought about the pros and cons nor did I consider that it might not be the best idea to return to the land of the living so broken inside. I learned from past experience that entering hostile territories where anger and hatred bred like dogs in heat, it was never smart to enter with a weak heart. That is after all what I’ve become, a once radiate light of hope reduced to a heart broken by deceit and cruel intentions. 

It never occurred to me how enchanted I was by Edward Cullen. I whole heartedly believed he loved me and up until our marriage, there was not a single inkling or sliver of doubt that he hadn’t. When Jake and I had our falling out right after his return, I disregarded all the rantings of what I thought was an ego-driven teenage boy. I didn’t want to believe the cruel and nasty things Jake said about Edward because to me, he was the pinnacle of perfection. He had the gift of immortality, beauty and a heart although physically dead, still capable of giving love and life to my mundane world. He made the air crisper, the skies a beautiful shade of blue and he made my heart sing with joy. He was everything to me as I thought I was to him.

It’s funny, you never really listen when people say that beauty is only skin deep. You take for granted that you truly know everything there is to know about someone just because you are around them but that is the biggest misconception of all. He fed me what I wanted to hear, told me he loved me and couldn’t live an eternity without me. He promised me things he knew he could never deliver and if that wasn’t enough, he denied me the one thing he promised me from the very beginning, intimacy.

This is not to say that intimacy was the only alluring factor when it came to marrying Edward but I always felt it was an integral part and the most personal thing that could be shared between two people. I could’ve never imaged that this one act so simple and yet so natural, would be the catalyst to my endless days of torment as Mrs. Edward Cullen. What was supposed to be the best day of my life and my inauguration into womanhood became the start of a downward spiral of my lifeless existence.

XXXXXXX

My mind was caught in whirlwind, images, emotions, preconceived notions and beliefs all racing through my thoughts like standing at the precipice of a tornado. My legs became shaky, my body as heavy as a ton of breaks and my skin burning like someone had set it on fire. Edward’s kind yet morbid words didn’t help matters and all I could think about was Jake. My heart broke into unrepairable pieces that night when he said goodbye. I never thought I had to choose between my friend and my lover. I asked and pleaded for him not to make me chose and to respect my decision but alas he made his final stand at my wedding and that was the day I lost just a small part of me. 

Edward was quick to my aid and helped me walk back to the reception. I wasn’t in the mood to be entertaining but it was my wedding after all and I felt obligated to cater to my guests. The night continued on and after a few glasses of champagne and Edward by my side like a newborn child constantly reminding me how beautiful I was and how happy we would be, Jake soon became a passing memory.

I felt a small measure of relief when the few people that lingered late into the night left. I went to aid Alice in the clean up but she wasn’t having it. She shooed me away and told me to get inside and get changed. In the wake of all this craziness I forgot we were set to leave for our honeymoon that very night. I smiled, thanked her for everything and ran for the main house.

When I opened the door to Edward’s room, the faint scent of pine filled my nostrils and for a second I was reminded of Jake. He always had a very forest-like scent and it always had a way of making me feel at ease. I moved slowly into the room almost excited that maybe he had second thoughts about what he had said. 

However, I was saddened to find that I was in fact alone in the room, left to my own sad thoughts of the friend I had lost. I tried to keep the tears at bay. I tried to remind myself this was where I was meant to be and that Edward was the man I loved. I couldn’t deny the connection I felt the moment he saved me from the van nor the power that flowed through me when his lips touched my wrist and sucked the venom from my blood. We were bond that day and each day following. He was my choice, my soul mate and the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Once I removed the dress, I jumped into my jeans and sweatshirt, grabbed my carry on and headed for the door. I wasn’t surprised that in my deep thought I failed to see Edward waiting for me in the archway and crashed right into his chest. He gave me that smile that seemed to wash all the sadness away and warm my heart all at once. I loved that about him and I doubted that feeling would ever change.

“Are you ready for paradise?” he whispers, his cold yet soft lips peck at mine as he awaits my response.

“Aren’t we already there?” I reply with a soft smile on my face.

He wastes no time, grabbing my bag in one hand and taking my hand into the other. We make it to the airport just a few minutes shy of our scheduled flight and before long, we are on our way to Isle Esme. 

When the plane arrived we had to take a motor boat out to the island. I was never really a fan of boats and neither was my stomach. I spent more time over the side of the boat than enjoying the lush and tropical scenery around me. I was the first to jump ship with Edward hot on my heels as I tried to walk towards the beach house. The house which originally I had thought would have been like one of those tiki huts in Tahiti was more like a mansion on the water. It closely resembled the house in Forks and strangely I felt more at home here than back there. 

After we got settled in, Edward and I decided to take a late night dip in the ocean. We swam around for several hours just enjoying the clay-like texture of the sand and beautiful sparkle of the water as the moonbeams bounced off the shuffling waves. 

After a while, Edward was the first to exit the water, my eyes honing in on his statuesque frame as the water fell from his body in thick clear drops, teasing me as they ran down his back and off his body. My arousal was peaked as I watched him run his hands through his hair and glance back at me from over his shoulders. I felt the desire and need to seal our marriage in that very moment and for once in my life I wasn’t going to be shy or bashful about it.

I walked slowly out of the water wiping the water from my body as I ascended out of its warmth. Edward’s stance became firm as I was sure he could smell how excited I was just from staring at him. I decided to be bold and make my intentions known because Edward always had a way of changing my mind or the topic when it came to sex. 

I kept my eyes on him as I unlatched the bikini top, let the straps fall to my sides and cupped my breasts within my hands. His eyes turned from a deep yellow to an almost onyx black in seconds. I could see he was fighting the urge and that seemed to only entice me further. If anything I knew Edward was the master of discretion and he could maintain his resolve long enough to get his arousal in check but strangely it would seem that cast iron wall was slowly disintegrating as he kept his eyes upon me. 

I moved past him and stopped just several feet ahead. I pulled the top from my body and threw it at him, the wet fabric clinging to his chest and then sliding off just as quickly. I giggled and within moments he was chasing me back into the house and upstairs into the bedroom. He wasted no time, his speed and agility far surpassing my own by leaps and bounds. He tackled me to the bed and for a second I thought I might see a more aggressive and lustful Edward but alas, his grip on me lessened and out popped timid and gentle Edward.

“I’ve been fighting this urge for what seems like an eternity but tonight as much as I want to claim you fully as my wife, I don’t want it to be savage. I want it to be beautiful” he whispers, the frigid temperature of his breath causing the fine hairs on the back of my neck to stand on end as he rests his head on my shoulder.

I try to remain calm and although his cool texture causes my wet body to shutter, the heat of my arousal and anticipation for this moment overshadows my thought and forces me to press a little harder. I knew Edward would be gentle with me and want this moment to be special but I was desperate. I wanted this moment since the day he first kissed me. I married him so we could live without moral restraints and feel free to love and share love more openly. He promised me and hell or high water, he was going to deliver on that promise.

I leaned my body to the side forcing his body to lean to the side and finally fall on his back. I knew at any moment if he really wanted me to stop he could make me but something told me, he didn’t want to. His once mustard colored eyes were now jet black and I knew my arousal was chipping away at his resolve. 

I rocked my hips on top of him, his eyes falling to the back of his head as a soft moan fell from his lips. I took that moan as a sign I was on the right path and leaned down taking his wet lips between my own. Before I could press the issue more he had reversed the position and I was now on my back. 

My back instantly arched into his hovering body forcing my aching core into his firm tent. The sharpness of his teeth, grazed over my bottom lip as he withdrew from our heated kiss. His hands made one firm pull of my bikini bottoms and off they came along with his shorts and shirt.

He sat on his knees before me just admiring my nakedness, the lust and desire overpowering his strong will to take things slow. I knew I had pressed all the right buttons and although the sight of his almost vengeful desire scared me, I was ready. He leaned down slowly, his one arm resting firmly at his side as the other took my calf and wrapped my leg around his waist. 

No words were spoken, no warnings given and no lustful desires exchanged as his firmness moved between my folds slowly yet with slight ease. I bit down on my lower lip, my body tight and almost regretful of his intrusion yet excited all the same. He paused as he moved slowly within me giving me time to adjust and when he felt enough time had passed, he continued until his fullness filled me. I moaned his name when he had finally taken my virtue and the pain moved with haste through my veins.

My nails dug into his back trying to hold him still from retreating. Although the moment was painful I didn’t want him to stop. If anything I wanted him more and the fact that he was willing to retreat so quickly was almost insulting. “Edward please don’t…” I whispered but my pleas fell on def ears as he pulled away from me with such speed and stealth it felt like he had never been inside me at all. 

He had his back to me, his head sunken between his shoulders as his hands covered his face. I tucked the sheets around my body and crawled slowly to the edge of the bed. 

“Please don’t” he hissed while he placed his hand in the air to stop me.

“Did I do something wrong? If I did I’m sorry Edward. I promise I will go slower, be better I…”

“I have to go Bella. I’m sorry” he replied, his face tormented with pain as he covered his nose as if to block my scent and fight his urges. 

I was completely baffled by the whole thing. It was only when I felt something warm and wet beneath me that it became clear why he had fled. I reached beneath the sheets and when I pulled my hand from between my legs there was blood. I never thought losing my virginity would be so messy nor did I ever consider that there was even the remote possibility my husband would cower at first sight but what did I really expect? He was a vampire and my blood was his addiction so I guess I should’ve expected it. 

I blamed my untouched body for his disappearance but it didn’t stop the pain of his rejection from stinging my heart.

I pulled myself off the bed, got washed up and took refuge in a cushioned lounge chair seated on the balcony. It was easy to get lost in the beauty of this place and I was starting to think the same of my relationship with Edward. When I was with him nothing else mattered but when he was gone it was almost like the sheet was removed from my eyes and I saw all the flaws that made us so different. 

The cool night breeze eased my troubled mind and before long, I fell asleep to the sound of crashing waves and distant seagulls. I was asleep for no more than a moment when a warm hand brushed against my shoulder and awoke me from my slumber.

My eyes crept open and for a second I didn’t believe what I saw before me. “Jake” I whispered softly, cautious yet skeptical all at the same time.

“Come with me” he replies taking my hand and moving me up from the seat and back into the bedroom. 

When I noticed his destination I tugged in resistance. 

“Trust in me” he replies and with those three simple words all my resistance floated away into the night air. 

He stood at the foot of the bed and gently pulled me into his arms. I found such comfort in his firm and tight embrace, my heart giving into the need to feel wanted, loved and adored stronger than the pain of rejection I felt just moments earlier. It was undeniable that Jake had this effect on me and it was in part why I feared him more than anyone else. I was afraid to admit to my true feelings because I didn’t want to lose him but I guess in protecting him the result was just as bad if not worse. 

The warmth of my tears trickled down my cheek as I sighed heavily into his chest. I knew this couldn’t be real. I knew he wasn’t here holding me like I needed him to be and that was more hurtful that anything else. 

His hand moved across my back, arm and up towards my chin. He softly pressed up forcing my eyes to look up into his. The tender gaze he returned shattered my heart into pieces. I knew I had given up everything just by the way he continued to show unconditional love towards me through the softness of his glance. I felt unworthy of him, his love and his devotion. I jerked my face away from his hands and tried to break free of his embrace but that only made him hold on tighter.

“Please Jake…let me go. Let me live with the decisions I’ve made. ..Please” I pleaded but as much as I begged, he offered no response nor did he lesson his hold on me.

After a few moments, I lost all strength and will to fight him. He took a step back and fell onto the bed behind him with me in tow. His hands skimmed over my arm while my hands and head rested on his warm chest. I never realized how much I missed the physical personification of love until my body became relaxed from his warm touch. 

He didn’t allow me to linger long, his strong arms pulling me up so that my head rested on his right shoulder and my body lied beside him. He turned to face me and before my body could turn away in shame his lips were on mine. I got lost in their soft and gentle nature, his tongue running gently over my bottom lip and my body giving into his subtle demands without a fight. It felt so natural, so real and so right I couldn’t deny the arousal that now filled me and the desire to be filled completely by him.

He pressed forward, his chest now resting on top of mine as he slid between my legs. There was no denying him and I was in such need to feel accepted my body didn’t allow my mind to contest to what I was sure was to follow. His hand seeped between our heated bodies and caressed my tenderness slowly and gently. I arched into his touch desperate for more than just his tender strokes and gentle kisses. His hand moved up my stomach and met his other, cupping my face gently as his lips continued to wrap around mine. I moaned softly as he filled me and although my body was still tender, he moved within me with such fluidity, I barely felt the pain my body experienced at his girth. 

He pulled away, his breathing mirroring my own in intensity as our bodies clung to one another and climaxed in unison. My name fell from his lips as he trembled above me and I quivered beneath him. My nails dug into his soft skin as I shook at the outpouring of love we shared. 

He collapsed onto my chest a few moments later, my hands running freely through his short hairs as his heated breath continued to tease my neck. There were so many things I wanted to say yet I found myself at a loss for words. 

When he finally lifted his head, I was blinded by his radiance. His face was so bright it made it hard to see his features. It was almost like the sun was beaming right into my face. I tried to shadow my eyes so I could see him but the more I tried, the brighter his light became. I finally covered my eyes for a moment and sadly when I reopened them; it wasn’t Jake beaming down at me but the bright morning sun through the sliding doors of the balcony. 

I felt an instant state of rage. I was mad at myself for giving into such a fantasy and even angrier that the sunbeams managed to break me from my dream and bring me back to this bleak reality I found myself in. 

I cried so violently I thought my body would succumb to a heart attack from the pain. There was no one there to comfort me, shield me or protect me from this pain. It was the first time in a long time I felt alone. I allowed sleep to take me back into her bosom once again but this time I denied what my heart yearned for and forced memories of years past into my mind for reprieve. 

That was the night I discovered what was soon to be my new way of life, my new coping mechanism and my truly reality. It was in my dreams I found happiness and heartache but I knew at least there I would never find rejection.


	4. Chapter 4

BPOV

I could only take this incident as a sign from God that maybe my idea to go back home was foolish. Here I was standing in almost a foot of snow staring at a bus that was on the brink of flames as puffs of dense smoke exited the engine compartment. I should have known my journey home wouldn’t be an easy one, hell my life was far from easy up until this point so why should things change?

The bus driver was quick to shoo the few of us that weathered the storm outside into the rest stop waiting area. I was hoping this was just a momentary disruption in my travels but he was quick to advise us that it would be close to six hours before a new bus would arrive due to the inclement weather. 

I sighed under my breath but a part of me was almost grateful for the delay. A nervous sweat filled my brow because for a second I feared that this delay would give the Cullen’s ample time to catch up to me. However, relief was quick to comfort me as I remember I still have a few days before they even notice I was gone. I had to give myself credit and be almost thankful for the time I did spend alone while with them.

I was smart enough never to allude to the fact that I had intentions of leaving even though sometimes my very facial expressions gave me away. There were points during my torturous existence that I couldn’t restrain my hatred long enough not to let a smart comment slip. It was true they were few and far between since often times I was left to my own devices however I think the worst confrontation came when I finally admitted that everlasting life wasn’t the path I wished to venture on any longer.

I can still smell the stench of anger and disappointment as if it happened yesterday. I had never known what true hate looked like until I saw it fester deep within Edwards once canary colored eyes. That day was the day he broke me and the day he decided if he couldn’t have me forever than a lifetime would suffice.

XXXX

The remainder of our honeymoon was far from average. Edward finally returned to me late the following evening baring flowers and countless apologies. I can’t say I wasn’t hurt by his blatant rejection but on some level I understood it. I knew my blood would one day come between us but I had hoped that by the time it did, I would be like them and it would be of no consequence.

He was quick to pull me into his arms and offer promises that events like this would never happen again. I wanted to believe his lies and so I forgave him for this momentary set back and promised never to push him like that again. He took complete blame for the whole situation and we left the incident as just a mishap rather than a misunderstanding.

As we boarded the boat and headed back home, I couldn’t help but get lost in the cool warm breeze of the morning air and the beauty I would soon be missing when we arrived in our new home. I hoped that Edward would give me at least a few days to say good bye to my family and friends but he was quick to dismiss my request stating it was for the best if they remembered me the way I was.

I didn’t quite understand what he meant by the phrase “the way I was”. I knew eventually I would become one of them but I never saw any harm in visiting my family on occasion until that became a reality. He disagreed. He said the longer I remained tied to them, the harder it would be to break the connection once it happened. 

I guess I never really thought my decision through enough until the truth behind it became more of my reality. I was so lost in what it meant to be Mrs. Edward Cullen that I never truly weight the pros and cons of actually become her. On some level I wanted it so badly that my mind became clouded in the illusion of grandeur and not the truth of the consequences. I wasn’t naïve to believe that I could have both but I hoped that maybe there was the slightest chance that over time, maybe the danger wouldn’t be so great and I could once again see my family.

When we arrived back in Washington, I tried one last time to plead for Edward to allow me one last moment with my family. In the sincerest of tones he told me that it wouldn’t be a good idea since the seed had already been planted. I stared at him questionably not fully grasping what he meant by “the seed had already been planted.”

He smiled at me as if his once alluring gesture would have me so captivated I would forget his little slip, but it didn’t. When he grabbed my hand and tried to escort me to the car, I put all my strength into my legs and planted my feet firmly to the ground. I knew he was merely amusing me by acting like he couldn’t move me from my position since his strength far surpassed my own but at the very least, he knew I wanted an answer.

“Don’t make a scene Bella. Just come with me and I will explain everything on the way home” he hissed through his teeth as he tugged on my hand.

“I’m not going anywhere until you explain what you meant Edward. We are married now and married couples don’t keep secrets so spill.” I replied just as strongly.

His eyes softened as he moved closer to me. He released my hand and cupped his hands around my face. I’m not sure if he thought he could persuade me by this emotional gesture or somehow glamour me into forgetting what I was arguing about but that wasn’t going to happen. 

I pulled back and moved my face out of his hands. I crossed my arms over my chest and replied “That won’t work this time. Tell me what’s going on Edward. I have a right to know.”

For the first time in a while I felt strong in my convictions, almost empowered with my need to know. He stared at me for a moment almost like he didn’t recognize the woman he married. I stared at him intently, patiently waiting for an answer and when several minutes passed and nothing was said, I got tired of waiting.

“Fine! If you won’t tell me then I will just call my father and find out for myself” I hissed as I reached into my purse for my cell phone.

After several minutes of sifting through it and coming up empty handed, I glanced up and noticed Edward smiling back at me with my cell phone in hand. I was quick to lunge for it but he was quick to react and move out of arms reach.

“Give me the phone Edward!” I demanded as if I had any leg to stand on.

“Bella please love, let’s not make a scene. Just follow me to the car and I will explain.” he replied in a calm and almost taunting voice.

“Fine!”’ I yelled as I stormed past him, grabbed my luggage handle and headed for the door.

Conveniently Edward had his car parked in the airport parking garage and we were on our way within minutes. I kept my arms crossed over my chest as my leg tapped anxiously against the floor. When we finally made it out onto the highway I had lost all patience and decided it was now or never.

“Edward so help me God if you don’t tell me what you did…”

He was quick to cut me off and reply “You’ll what Bella? What can you possibly do huh? Listen love, I’m not trying to be mean by withholding information from you but I didn’t want to worry you until it was necessary. Carlisle thought it best if we staged your death while on our honeymoon. We all agreed that it would make your transition into your new life easier if your family and friends thought you had died in some tragic boating accident while on our honeymoon. “

His explanation as it played around in my head caused my chest to tighten and the air that had normally flowed so easily within my lungs now balled up so thick in my throat that I could barely breath. I started to dry heave as if I couldn’t catch my breath as the realization of his actions replayed like a broken record in my head. I never thought I could be deceived like this, not from him and certainly not by the people I called family. I reached for the door handle and pulled my mind desperate for the cool air of the outside world and my body desperate for reprieve.   
Edward was quick to react to my distress. He skidded to the side of the road, released the lock and allowed my last attempt at escaping to happen as I made my final pull and fell out the side of the car. I choked in the cool night air trying to reclaim life and not succumb to the darkness of unconsciousness. 

Edward was quick to my aid, cradling me in his arms and softly whispering my name as if his kind gesture was of any consequences. His chilled embrace did little to save me as I allowed myself to fall into deep slumber. I couldn’t fathom how his actions would affect my family but what I was sure about was my life would never be my own from this moment forward.

My dreams were of no reprieve. I stood amongst a crowd of people drenched in wetness as the rain poured down around my funeral. I watched as both my mother and father cried themselves in grief, their embrace of no comfort and the family and friends that convened around them offering no solace to my loss. 

Unable to handle such a vision, I screamed from the top of my lungs for them to notice me but it was as if I was a ghost with no voice, no presence and no strength to stop their pain. The grief that overshadowed me forced me to my knees and compelled me to experience the pain my death inflicted.

I knew that someday this would come to pass but I thought at the very least it might be a time in which I deemed ideal. I knew there would never come a time where hurting my parents was the best option but maybe when they were older and had seen my true happiness, maybe then I could give my goodbyes but dying so young was too tragic for any parent to bear.  
I fled from his horrid place and when I cleared the surrounding trees, I found myself standing in front of a comforting and familiar place. The red shack that housed my best friend stood before me and all I could think of was running into his comforting arms and sobbing my apologies until he forgave me. 

When my eyes fell upon him sitting on the porch, his head between his knees and his body shaking with pain, I felt my heart break even more. I ran to him but just like before, my presence went unknown and unacknowledged. I was at the mercy of my own fears as I watched his hands ball into fists, his body rise and his voice bellow out such a howl it made my skin crawl.

The tears that ran down his cheeks as his body gave out and he fell to his knees onto the wet dirt made the ache in my heart so strong I felt almost dizzy with regret. “Why?” he mumbled as his fist pounded the wet ground.

“WHY!!!!” He screamed as the tears mixed in with the downpour that consumed us both.

I wanted to comfort him, hold and console him but I was powerless even in my own dreams to offer any help. I turned my back unable to face such visions and willed myself to wake up. My dreams were supposed to offer me reprieve not pain and the longer I stood here and watched my loved ones suffer; the more it became clear to me that I had made a horrible mistake.

When I finally regained the strength to open my eyes, I took in an unfamiliar scene around me. I was laying in a king size bed in a room surrounded almost entirely of mirrors overlooking a peaceful lake. The snow that covered the surrounding trees was almost picturesque it is display and for a second I felt almost at peace with my new surroundings. I leaned up and felt the cool silk sheets bustle down my body exposing a beautiful red nightgown that draped over my pale white legs.

I jumped in my skin when I heard a latch unlock off to my right and when I glanced over my shoulder, in walked my endearing husband with a breakfast tray containing toast and some hot tea.

“I thought you might be hungry” he said as he moves to the side of the bed and places the tray over my legs.

I grin slightly as I look down at the toast and it makes my stomach turn. My body still hadn’t recovered from the dream or the reality of my future just yet. I slowly reach for the tea and cup it in my hands, breathing in the warm vapors and allowing them to soothe my aching heart.

“In time it will get better Bella, I promise” he whispers as he places kiss on my head. 

His cold lips on my forehead burn my skin so much I cringe. I didn’t want his affections, lies or thoughts of grandeur. I wanted to go home. My gut instinct was to throw the hot tea in his face and show him my true nature but I knew that would only leave a temporary scar that would heal sooner than it would hurt. No, the way to hurt him like he hurt me was to say the words that could pierce a lifeless heart like his.

“I don’t want this life.” I whisper as I place the tea down and turn to the side.

“Maybe not right now…but soon you will revel in the happiness it can provide.”

He was such a hypocrite. I was almost angry with myself for not seeing it sooner. The conversation that transpired between us these last couple of years played in my head and now, looking upon them with different eyes, I saw the selfishness that hovered deep within his pitiful excuse for an existence. He wanted me to believe his life was purposeless and horrible. He wanted me to believe that with my love and devotion we would live countless years in happiness and bliss but it was all a lie. He was luring me into darkness and I was too blinded by him to see it. This was his plan all along. Why live a life of sadness and regret when you can have a partner to share it with.

“How can I ever be happy when I know your love for me was merely an allusion…a ploy to lure me into your web of deceit and sadness. “

His chuckle only angered me further as I turned and sent daggers of hatred toward him with my eyes. On some level I knew it was my own fault for falling for his lies but I had to believe on some level there was love there, it was just masked behind ill will.

“Sadness is in the eyes of the beholder Bella. I never lied when I said I loved you and I wasn’t lying when I begged for you to consider the change. However, even I couldn’t fight your will and so I gave into your need and now you chastise me for it? The notion alone is comedic, don’t you see that?”

My anger quickly turned to regret when I realized he was right. I did want to be like him if only to guarantee our love would last a lifetime but I never imagined he would turn into this. Tears fell from my eyes when I realized that I had married a man I barely knew. 

When I turned back over on my side, he was quick to place his hand on my hip and whisper “When you are like us, you will see the happiness, I promise.”

“I don’t want to be like you Edward. I don’t want to live out my life with someone I barely know. Just let me be. Just leave”

His firm grip on my leg forced my head to turn back and fear to fill my heart. I watched as his once soft canary eyes started to turn almost onyx in color. His lips were pressed in a firm line and his breathing, although not for its original purposes, was causing his chest to rise and fall quickly. I could see anger, pain and upset within each breath and something told me this was a side I never wanted to see again.

I was quick in my actions, pooling all my strength to turn and place my hand on his. I knew at any moment he could just bit and my time on this earth would be over. I knew I had to push these hurtful feeling back down into the recesses of my soul if I was going to have enough time to find my way out of this mess. I would become Bella Cullen if only by name and action alone but deep down I would always be Bella Swan, captive, lost soul and glutton for a lifetime of punishment.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N – as you know this story is mainly in Bella’s POV but I thought you might like a small taste of Jake just to gain a feel for where he is in his life now (10 years later). I hope you enjoy!  
Disclaimer – I don't own anything Twilight.

JPOV

I woke up to a day very similar to every other. The wind was hollowing, the snow was coming down in droves with a mixture of freezing rain and the temperature was so cold any exposed skin would be frost bitten in seconds. I didn’t mind the cold as much as the average person. It had been ten years since my last phase and although I vowed never to take wolf form again, some traits never did seem to phase out with my decision.

I guess in part I was happy that I still remained a steamy 108 degrees, working in public construction wasn’t meant for the weak and seeing as the cold temperature never affected me or caused me frequent illness, I became a priceless asset to the highway authority of the great country of Canada. 

As I gathered the strength to rise from bed and take on the challenges of another day, I couldn’t help but overhear the date on the radio. A mixture of anger and pain fills my stomach and almost forces me to the bathroom to relieve the strain. It was strange that today of all days would be the very day I lost my best friend and imprint all in one fail swoop. 

In the past when this day arrived, I would normally just meet the boys after work at the bar and drink away my pain but today felt different. I couldn’t quite put my finger on why it was different but it almost felt like something was about to change. I quickly disregard the notion, throwing my hope out the window like I did most of the emotions that continue to plague me over these past ten years. I concede to the fact that I could either live in pain or make an effort to find some normalcy in a completely hollow existence. No one adequately explained how it would feel to be denied by your imprint. Hell, not one of my pack brothers ever had to experience such an abnormality before but then again, I was always the odd ball so it only seems fitting   
I would be the one to endure it first. 

The closest thing to compare my predicament to was Sam’s love triangle but that was truly stretching it. Sam had the issue with an existing love and an imprint being two different women and although that whole debacle was a strain on the pack, ultimately it work out for the best. Paul on the other hand, imprinted on my sister which left an ill taste in my mouth but on some level I was grateful. I would rather one of my own be her soul mate than some douche bag from Forks. Nevertheless, seeing as no one had experienced such a loss before, no one was best suited to help me through what I Iike to call, the grieving process. I was mourning the loss of my soul and my heart all at the same time.

Being at the tender age of sixteen at the time didn’t help matters in the least. My emotions went haywire and I was like a ticking time bomb from the moment she told me it will always be him. Thinking about it now makes my skin crawl and my heart skip a beat. Every moment from that day onward I was a loose cannon, spitting nasty remarks and making risky decisions wherever and whenever I deemed just. At one point, not one of my pack members wanted to patrol with me and after I nearly ripped Pauls’ head off for even thinking about having sex with my sister, I knew my stay in Forks was no longer warranted. 

I never thought in a million years I would catch the flack of my entire pack including my father for my choice. It would seem everyone had conveniently forgotten all the whispers and secret meetings that transpired during my tenure and decided it was in the best interest of everyone involved to just turn a blind eye to my disobedience. However, even in turning a blind eye, the pain never lessoned, the hate only seemed to fester and this emptiness that filled my chest was unbearable. I thought I was doing a service to everyone by leaving but on the day my bags were packed and I exited the house, everyone including their imprints and my father were there to discourage my choice.

It took all my will not to unleash the fury that remained at bay within me. I wasn’t leaving to be selfish. If anything, it was the most unselfish thing for me to do at the time. I was not only hurting myself but my family and pack members by staying. I knew they would fight me tooth and nail when I decided to leave but it seemed like the only good choice at the time. 

I didn’t allot them anytime to speak. I pushed through the crowds, threw my bags into the back of the pickup truck that was once our present to Bella and started the engine. My father, disgusted with himself for not being able to stop me, wheeled himself inside, the tears of hurt and pain evident as his wheels slowly turned with one arm as the other wiped the wetness from his eyes. I wish he could understand I wasn’t doing this to hurt him or anyone else. I had to do this because the longer I stayed, the more the pain intensified and eventually I would succumb to the grief leaving everyone to suffer the pain of my loss to this world.

I was surprised when not one member made any attempts to make a final plea for me to stay. It was as if they thought their presence would be enough justification but they were sadly mistaken. They failed to realize I was leaving to save them and myself from this festering painful existence and I was assured in the fact that with time, they would understand.  
When I cleared the country border it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. For the first time in months I felt a sense of peace that had long been forgotten while I remained on the Rez. This light heartedness assured me I had made the right decision and empowered me to believe I could have a life outside the rejection of Bella Swan.

No more than a few minutes after I cleared the border did I notice out of my rear view mirror something squirming around under the tarp that covered my few belongs. Cautiously and slowly I pulled over to the side of the road, quietly exited the truck and walked towards the back. With strength and a lack of fear of what I might find underneath the tarp, I pulled and wasn’t the least bit surprised to find Leah hiding underneath with a knapsack firmly attached to her chest.

In normal Leah fashion she chatters “Well now that you’ve found me, can I at least ride in the front with you? It’s freakin freezing out here.”  
I wasn’t sure if I was comforted by her obvious intrusion or annoyed, but all in all it didn’t matter why she decided to sneak away. I knew she above all others would understand my need to leave because just like I, she had to suffer with the notion that she had loved and lost not only her true love but her cousin as well.

No words were spoken that day and an unlikely alliance between Leah and I began to take shape. There was no emotional or physical attraction between us and aside from one commonality; we really had nothing else in common. Our alliance was more of an I got your back and you’ve got mine sort of agreement. We decided to share living expenses, help each other find jobs and offer the comfort of a friendship when the nights became somewhat unbearable. I thought that leaving my home would make the pain go away or at least diminish its intensity but the first year proved to be the hardest. It would seem I wasn’t the only one with such angst and together, Leah and I formed a bond that could never be unmatched. She continues to be the best friend I’ve ever had. 

“You do know what time it is?” Leah chimes in as she passes my bedroom on the way to hers. 

Being lost in my current recollections of my entry into my new life, I failed to realize what time it was. “Shit!” I cursed under my breath as I ran around my room like a chicken with its head cut   
off trying to find my torn jeans and roughed up shirt.

“You left them in the living room last night dumbass” Leah hollers from her room.

“It would have been nice for you to say something sooner.” I replied sarcastically as I walked into the living room and put on my cloths.

“Now why would I do that? Does the name Sarah appear on my forward or better yet, Katie?”

There were times where I could have sworn Leah was actually a decedent, honest, loving person and then there were these moments where she seemed to be on the rag 24/7 and nothing short of the spawn of Satan.

“Must you…honestly? I mean bringing up a mother I barely knew and then Katie? Katie? Come on Leah, even for you that’s low” I reply as I walk towards the kitchen to grab a quick cup of coffee before I head out. 

“Oh and you bring up Jason the other night wasn’t low? Whatever Jake. Go to work and don’t forget we have Jo’s farewell party tonight.” She replies as she disappears behind her bedroom door and leaves me to finish getting ready so I can head off to work.

I poured a glass of coffee and the minute the hot liquid seeps between my lips and trickles down my throat I feel a sharp pain stab me right in the stomach. The coffee cup falls from my hands as they immediately cling to my stomach in the hopes it would relieve this unrelenting sharp pain deep within. This wasn’t the first time I felt this pain. As a matter of fact, it had come and gone multiple times over the years and although I wasn’t quite sure why I felt it, a part of me always felt like it was the imprint still having its way with me.

Leah rushes out of her bedroom in a panic and was quick to my aid. No matter how much we bickered and fought, she was always the one to come to my rescue in moments when I felt weakened by these mystical pains.

“It’s the pain again isn’t it? Are you sure you don’t want to get checked out Jake? I mean I know you think it’s the supernatural side of your nature trying to claw its way back into your life but if that were the case…why haven’t I felt it?”

I knew the answer to her question but unlike miss heartless, I still had some remnants of mine still beating and I couldn’t or wouldn’t tell her it was because she hadn’t imprinted on Sam and that’s why my pain was more intense then hers ever could be. I knew even mentioning his name would sour her day and probably her month like it had so many times over the years, so I wasn’t about to go down that path with her, not right now at least.

“I’ll be alright...just give me a minute.” I whisper in return, pushing past her with my arms still crossed over my stomach. 

I finally reach the couch and slide down hoping this discomfort will pass soon. I can’t disregard the fact that this pain seems more intense than ever before. It feels like my insides are burning and the more I try to move past it, the more intense they became. I wasn’t sure what I could do to help diminish its intensity so I decide to just lay back and take long steady breathes until it dissipates.

After fifteen minutes or so the pain does diminish enough for me to function so after I manage to get up and make a quick phone call to my boss to let him know I was going to be late, I holler my goodbyes to Leah and was on my way.

The morning recollections of my past coupled with the excruciating pain that still left my stomach somewhat uneasy during the course of my day didn’t deter me from remaining vigilant with my assigned duties. Canada was experiencing some of the worst snow storms known to date so as such, my duties were redirected to manning the snow plow for a busy twelve hour shift. 

Thankfully being attentive and cautious kept my mind preoccupied for most of my shift and when the day was out, I was somewhat thankful that I had a party to attended to otherwise I was sure that familiar twinge of despair and heartache would return if left alone with my thoughts.

I took a quick shower in the company bathroom, changed cloths and headed for the bar that resided just across the street from my apartment. I was greeted with half drunken coworkers and mutual friends and for the remainder of the night got lost in the horror and comedic stories of our respective occupations.

Thankfully Katie decided to show up just as Leah and I decide to leave. I felt bad for being such an ass to her but after living the hell that was my life for a year while I was with her, the cold shoulder seems the lesser of two evils. Unfortunately for me, Katie didn’t take kindly to such a mannerism and quickly caught up with us as we exited the bar.

“Leaving so soon?” she inquires as if her question hadn’t already been answered by our obvious departure.

“Oh Katie…I didn’t see you. Um yeah, it’s been a long day and both of us have work tomorrow so maybe I will catch you around.” I reply trying to sound as sincere as possible.

“Oh that’s a shame. I was just about to perform and I know you love it when I do my school girl routine don’t ya Jakey?”

The sound of her nickname for me almost caused me to vomit right on her skimpy school girl costume. It was true in my younger years I thought the sluttier the better but now that I was older and wiser, trashy was just too unbecoming of woman, even for me.

“Maybe another time Katie. It’s not like I haven’t seen you perform before. “

I could see my response disheartened her obvious flirtatious innuendo but I wasn’t interested in anything she had to offer. We tried to be a couple but we just weren’t compatible. She was too controlling and too motherly for my taste and it was bad enough I had one woman that was so far up my ass I could taste her fist in my mouth, I didn’t need two to boot.  
Leah tugs at my arm and thankfully Katie took the hint and returns back inside. When we arrive back home, we both stop dead in our tracks when the ending of a voice being recorded on the answering machine catches our ears.

Leah releases her hold on me, runs to the phone and was instantly angered that the person on the other end had hung up. She hesitantly places her finger on the machine and we both stand in shock as we listen to Chief Swan’s voice on the other line.

Apparently my father had grown ill and through several channels Charlie was able to find me in time. He said there wasn’t much time left and that if this was in fact my contact I should return home immediately. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. A part of me thought maybe it was a ploy to get me to return home and a part of me wanted to think his call was genuine. 

Apparently Leah thought it genuine because when I moved out of the doorway and towards the bedroom she was already packing a bag.

“Jake what are you waiting for? We need to get back!” 

“I'm not sure I can” I whisper feeling weak for even uttering such words.

“You don’t have a choice here Jake. This is your father and he needs you. Swallow your pride and be the man he hoped you would be.”

I knew she was right. However, it wasn’t my pride holding me back. It was the fear of returning home that freaks me out the most. Had I managed to build enough courage by staying away to enable me to face the pain and hurt I would feel once I returned home? 

Ultimately it didn’t matter what I might or could feel. My father needs me and I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if something should happen and I wasn’t there. I couldn’t suffer two losses so great in my lifetime so I swallowed the fear and packed a bag.

In our haste we forgot to call Chief Swan to let him know we were coming home but we figured our presence would be enough. The ride home was going to be hard, my mind left to its taunting thoughts of years past and the anxiety that would fill me to the brim the closer we got to that once sacred place. I wasn’t sure what was in store for me, but what I had to hold onto was the fact that I was older, wiser and much more in control of my emotions. I would deal with the repercussions of my return one at a time and hope I didn’t regress back to the man formerly known as Jacob Black.


	6. Chapter 6

BPOV

I stood at the entrance to the bus, forth in line from boarding and feeling like no matter how much I wanted to get back on, how much I needed to get back on that bus my mind and body were in complete disagreement. I felt like my feet were cemented into the snow beneath me, like I was unable to move as the distance between myself and the person in front of me grew larger. The people behind me subtly cleared their throats trying hard not to be rude in their attempts to alert me to move forward and yet I couldn’t.

Call it fear, regret or maybe it was the simple fact that all my planning, silent prayers and internal wishes were coming true was why I couldn’t will myself to move but no matter what the reason, my small little body wasn’t budging. The flustered patrons behind me wasted no time cutting in front of me until finally I was the only one left standing, still weak and unsure if my choice was the right one.

“I don’t have all day lady either shit or get off the pot,” the bus driver hollered to me as he glanced back at the patrons seated behind him.

His vulgar words repeated like a broken record in my head. He was right. I could either stay here and risk getting caught or I could continue on my journey and face the reality of my poor choices. I would rather face my father and Jake’s wrath then remain another moment under the Cullen rule. I was tired of their petty games, mind tricks and blatant acts of cruelty. Forks is where I wanted to be, among the living and even if I had to live out my days in torment, it would be better than living out my days in mental anguish.

I rushed onto the bus, returned to my seat and sighed as the bus exited the rest stop and got back onto the highway. I was thankful to be back on the road but at the same time, each minute that past brought me closer and closer to a reality I was still very fearful of facing. 

When I began planning this journey back home, I didn’t take into account this emotion, my mind strictly focused on getting out of my prison and returning to the one place I found comfort. My waking days became focused on my escape and I thought little about what would happen once I finally did return home. 

There were the obvious outcomes that I was sure would transpire, the hurt, pain and sense of betrayal but then there were the others, the feelings of joy and then pure rage that would be sure to follow. Knowing my father, once he found out the truth, he would have a search party out looking for the Cullen’s knowing little about the dangers that would befall him if he did pursue them. I had to be careful with my explanation to him and hope with time he would just concede to the fact that I was back and still very much alive.

Jake on the other hand was an entirely different story. He was a more complex individual and one I would have to tread lightly upon. I knew he would be angry, resentful even so when it came to explaining things to him, I wasn’t quite sure where to begin. He was the variable in my plan, the one person I couldn’t quite prepare to face but the only one aside from my father that mattered most. 

I turned my attention down towards my backpack, pulled the zipper to the front pouch open and retrieved my small notebook from inside. I ran my hands over the etched title I gave to my diary, Book of Dreams, the various pages filled with my memories of him and our time together that was only known onto me and only experienced during my restful hours, the time when it was just fields of sunbeams and endless dreams of hope and happiness. My dreams were my saving grace; the force that kept me strong in my waking hours and the one true hope that home was where I would find the rhythm of my dead heart. 

I turned to the first entry, my first real documented dream and the first time I accepted my dreams and my true reality. I guess on some level this was how I saw my real life had I made the right choice. My dreams became my new life, my many adventures with the real love of my life, Jacob Black. It was the only time I felt at ease and the only time I could say I experienced true joy. This was the dream that started it all because within this dream was my commitment to be with him and only him if only in my dreams.

Entry One - Dreaming of Commitment

It was a sunny afternoon, the warmth of the sun beating down on my sensitive skin as I walked into town for no apparent reason. It would seem this bight day hadn’t only affected me but everyone I passed on my stroll through the various storefronts that encompassed our little city. Each person made it a point to smile and wish me a good day and although that was slightly strange in a town that normally kept to itself, it was nice to feel welcomed and noticed.

As I neared the edge of town, I could have sworn I saw something pass through the trees that outlined the stores to my right but when I focused more intently, no one was there. I decided to shrug it off and carry on but when I took another step, my name spoken in a deep yet familiar tone floated through my ears and caused me to turn again and this time, there was no mistaken who my stalker was.

I smiled at him as he did me and with his finger motioned for me to follow him as he turned and entered the woods. I hollered to him to wait but nothing deterred his travels away from me.   
In an effort not to lose sight of him, I began to run, his outline never out of sight but always too far ahead for me to catch up. I tried not to let my immediate anger with his distance deter me from following but I found myself frustrated and quickly winded and was forced to stop just to catch my breath.

I took refuge on a large boulder off to the side. Jake knew I wasn’t an athlete, hell I couldn’t tie my own shoelaces without losing my balance so I wasn’t sure why he would put me through all this vigorious exercise. 

His voice invades my thoughts as if he is seated beside me and yet he is nowhere in sight. Never give up on what you want most. Some of the best things in life are earned through hard work and sacrifice.

I scream out my reply annoyed and irritated that his presence evades me and yet he feels he has the right to lecture me on the benefits of hard work and dedication. “What does that even mean Jake? I’ve never given up on you. You gave up on me remember. Stop playing games and show yourself.”

The heat of his breath on the back of my neck sends chills down my spine. I was fearful my words angered him and yet I wasn’t exactly fearful of him as a person. Jake, even when he was angry, never made me feel like I risked death if provoked. If anything we both used to laugh off our petty anger and chalk it up to pint up sexual frustration. Jake was so many things to me but a threat, never.

“Why are you shaking Bella? Is it because your words hold no weight or me being this close to your neck reminds you of your perfect husbands hold on you?”

His words were sharp, piercing my skin like a finely sharpened blade, their precision concise and stabbing me right in the heart. Jake didn’t know of the travesties of my life after marriage and yet he spoke as if he were with me the entire time. “Shut up” I hiss back, a pathetic excuse for a response but the only one I could conjure at the moment.

His lips are so close to my skin I can almost feel him smile that sinister grin he gets when he knows he has beaten me at my own game. I’m tempted to turn and hit him but his words stop me before I can make the turn. “I know what he’s done, what he continues to do to you and as a result you’ve become this weak, fragile shadow of the Bella I’ve grown to admire and love. I don’t want you to fear him and allow his evil venom scare you into submission. Let this be your first step towards a new life, a commitment to be stronger, want more and finally obtain what you want most.”

Defiant of his words, his accusations that my life was a complete failure I reply, “Who says I need a new life? This is just a bump in the road, a hurdle Edward and I have to get through. They say the first year of marriage is the hardest and our situation being unusually different it would stand to reason it would be harder than most. We can get through this… I…”

What was I saying? Here I was defending a relationship I knew to be false from the very beginning. Things were hard because I believed my husband was a good man but in actuality all he was literally was a demon in human skin. There was no hope for us, no hope I was willing to work towards. 

A deep sigh exits my lips and as my eyes veer from my shoulder to the ground, it is there I met the warm brown eyes of the one person who should have been mine. His hand rises from his side, cups my chin and gently presses up so as his body lifts from the ground so does my gaze. His features are soft and god like, his lips plump and moist and his voice deep and full of dedication and persistence, “You can lie to anyone but you could never lie to me. Let this pride go and accept the fact that you chose badly. Let us repair your heart, build a life together here, where all dreams are possible and with a renewed sense of self, you can find your way out of this mess.”

His words were convincing and in a small way offered me hope that I could find happiness, a sense of peace with the decision I made when it came to Edward, until I found the strength within me to leave. Before I could agree to his offer, his finger pressed firmly against my lips as he continues “Words hold no weight…only actions can show your commitment to making the change.”

I stared at him questionably. The man before me looked like Jake but his wisdom far surpassed that of the Jake I knew. The Jake I knew would never challenge me, never ask me to commit to changing my ways nor ask me to prove my level of commitment by some random action however, my interest was peaked and so I nodded, rose up, took his hand and allowed him to show me what needed to be done.

After walking what seemed like endless forest in silence, the smell of salt water and the feel of cool sea breeze caused me to feel slightly at ease that we had finally reached our destination. Jake’s stride slowed a bit and as our feet touched the rock slated ground of the cliff, his hand drifted from mine and left me feeling slightly nervous and apprehensive. I knew what was done on these high cliffs and aside from my fear of heights, the only other thing that caused me to feel like my bladder would give way in sheer terror was the thought that he was going to ask me to do such an action I loathed and feared beyond human comprehension.

I watched nervously, my lower eye lid twitching while my arms wrapped comfortably around my waist and my body started to rock back and forth anxiously. When Jake finally made it to the cliffs edge, his toes dangling over the edge while he looked down to the rocky water below made my stomach perform a summersault. I shook my head from left to right trying to defend him to my mind incessant alarms that he had gone nuts and was going to ask me to jump. Jake knew my fears and never once did he ask me to do anything I didn’t feel I was capable of but then again, this wasn’t the same Jake. Would he be that cruel?

After a few brief moments he looks over his shoulder and beckons me to his side with his index finger. Fearful and reluctant I walk slowly towards him, the rough sea air smacking against my face and doing little to ease my fear of the unknown action I was about to face. Once I got close enough, he took a step back, turned to face me and spread his arms out on either side. Before I could question his action, he says “Let go of your fears and allow yourself to fall.”

His words echo in my mind and before I can beg him not to make me do what is clear I have to, he takes a step back and falls from the cliff. Without thought I scream for him and reach out but I’m too late. I watch as Jake falls countless feet down to the dark watery depths below and inwardly pray I see his head resurface quickly. After a minute, nervous panic sets in and I have one of two options, fall to the same fate or try to find my way down this mountain alone, unguided and hope he lives long enough for me to get to him. 

I can’t find a good outcome either way and trust that he wouldn’t lead me to my death not when he made it so clear to me hours earlier he was going to show me happiness. I close my eyes, my body shuttering from a mixture of fear and apprehension. I knew what I had to do and although my best friend and true love of my life might be dying with each minute I stand here debating whether to jump, it feels as if I’m cemented to the rock, unable to even will myself to jump forward. “Let go Bella” a voice whispers in the cold air that swirls around me. 

“I can’t” I whimper in return, too scared to jump and too filled with dread of the numerous deathly outcomes if I choice to take that leap of faith.

“Fear is only in your mind. Let go and let your soul be reborn into the light of fearlessness.”

I took a timid step forward, the fear still prevalent and yet I forced myself to peer over the edge. It was a long way down but if I was going to combat this ill feeling I had to do this, not only for myself but for Jake. I said a silent prayer and lift my foot to take the empty step off the cliff with the hopes I blacked out on the way down and didn’t have to experience the adrenaline rush that was sure to follow.

Unfortunately I took the plunge and my mind offered no aid in suppressing the fear that filled my body as I plummeted to my death. It felt like slow torture, the air rushing up my nose and mouth, filling my lungs too quickly with no time to exhale, my heart pulsating so rapidly it felt like it was ready to burst and my eyes unable to stay open long enough to help brace me for the initial smack against the rocky seas below. If I could choose my death, jumping was definitely not an option. 

I recited a prayer to myself as I braced for impact but was surprised when my back hit a patch of flowers instead of the cold water I thought I was doomed to face. I sighed and laughed my fear away as my hands extended out to my sides and my fingers ran through the wild flowers that surrounded me. I was thankful to be alive, for my mind to finally over me reprieve from one of the greatest fears of my life and for offering me this flowery setting on which to fall upon rather than what lied before me moments earlier.

A feeling of tranquility and peace came over me as I reveled in this new place. However, after a few moments of joy, the harsh reality of my main reason for taking that plunge came to the forefront of my mind and fear returned with a vengeance. 

I forced my body to rise, the sight before me both disheartening and madding. It would seem due to my ungrateful behavior my mind decided to switch dreams on me again. There were no flowers, fields, mountains, cliffs or even open area of beach anywhere in my line of sight. 

Tears filled my eyes as I sat there lifeless and full of defeat. My fear overshadowed everything and in allowing it to consume me, I failed in my commitment to him and to myself. If I didn’t wish to be somewhere else I wouldn’t be here but rather with him and even if that meant death, I was willing to do that for him like he offered to do for me countless times before. 

I stood there drowning in my own remorse and angry that I failed to prove my commitment to a better life, a life without fear and a life with the one true light of my life, Jacob Black. I closed my eyes and silently mouthed my commitment again and with strength and determination I swore I would try to face my fear and be the person I needed to be not only for myself but for him. I wanted to return to Forks a changed woman, a woman suitable to be by the side of alpha male, a woman who knew no fear and embraced her fate no matter what the cost. 

When the final words passed my lips and my eyes opened, the sadness still remained as I once again glanced upon the prison I now called home. The dark colors and dreary feeling that resided in my cage mirrored how I felt when not in the bliss I called my dreams. Although saddened that I didn’t have the chance to see him again, inwardly I knew this was the first of many dreams to come and the first real sign that something new was on the horizon for me, all I had to do was sleep and that was something I had within my power to control. I would lose myself in my dreams and hope that with each moment spent with him I would be closer to attaining the strength I needed in the real world, a world I wanted the real Jake to be a part of.


	7. Chapter 7

My face was saturated with tears as remorse and disappointment filled me. I thought journaling my dreams, reliving them to the fullest would be a nice reprieve from the anxiety and fear of facing my impending reunion but all it did was remind me of my countless failures to take hold of my life. 

It was true many of the dreams were lessons, a way my mind became stronger and my will impervious to the venomous lies bestowed upon me by my husband. As sad as it was to find comfort in a mystical representation of what my life should or could have been, it was still the only place I could learn life’s lessons without the recoil of physical pain or mental debilitation.

My hand shakes as I turn the page, my mind defiant of my will to read on and relive my past but my heart screams its desire to rebuild the self-confidence and worth I gained over my tenure with the undead. Even now when I lack the ability to remain strong and doubt my presence will be welcome, my heart prevails and reminds me that if I could find my way through the maze of illusion and back into reality, then there was something within me I could channel to get through what lies ahead for me now. 

My determination to return home, to him was bigger and stronger than any other emotion I had ever felt towards Edward and it was in channeling that strength I would find my will to stand   
on my own two feet.

Ironic that when my eyes veer back to the next entry, it reminds me of all the confusion that fills me now. These three emotions were always prevalent in my daily life so it seems only fitting that when I finally found the comfort of sleep, that I would find they were also prevalent within my soul.

Entry Two – Fear, Comfort and Longing

It’s another dreary cold morning, the sun hiding behind the dark clouds of another impending storm which only fuels my lingering sadness and utter despair. I don’t bother to change, move even from the bed because it would serve no purpose. My door was double locked, the windows caged and the phone disconnected and removed from the room. This place was my prison and unless escorted, I couldn’t leave for any reason. 

It wasn’t by choice I remain but the sparklers made it quite clear that if I tried to run or make contact with anyone from my old life, both he or she and me would suffer the unconditional rage of their lingering blood lust. It was amazing how clouded my judgment was when choosing to live this life but once the smoke dissipated, it was as if I could see right through to their empty cores. They were monsters posing as God’s honest human beings and the more I saw them, the more they repulsed me.

I didn’t shield my disgust, the rage pulsating through my veins as I gripped my sheets and thrashed like a lunatic. It had only been a month since I learned of my sentence but it was still long enough to drive me mad. My loud and boisterous outburst caused my beloved husband to enter, the smile on his face as he greeted me causing the acid to rise and puddle within my mouth. I couldn’t believe that for what seemed like an eternity I longed to be by his side, in his bed and solely coveted by such a thoughtless beast. How naïve was I? 

“I can see it’s another day in the jungle” he comments softly, his words derogatory and a direct link to my ego. He knew his words were pointless, his endless guarantees that life would get better if I simply accepted my fate and allowed the change to happen but I knew otherwise. I didn’t want to feed on others, lure them into a tangled web of falsehoods and then suck them dry of their humanity. If I learned anything, it was to value life and since I had no life to speak of, I missed the freedom more than ever.

“I’ve brought you a gift.” He replies as he sits beside me in almost taunting fashion. I knew my craziness didn’t scare him and he knew his threats didn’t scare me. He was more knowledgeable than most and knew the only way to guarantee my presence was to threaten all I cared. 

With rage boiling within me like a teakettle ready to whistle, I hiss, “I don’t want anything from you!”

My anger only seemed to tickle him, his taunting laughter the only thing to fill my ears and fuel my never ending hatred for him and this prison I found myself in. “Oh so I guess you don’t want these then” he replies his clenched hand opening slightly to reveal two rather large pills in his palms.

“Carlisle said they would help you sleep. I can see by the dark circles under your eyes you haven’t gotten much if any these days and you need your strength if you are to venture out with us next week.”

I stared at him my eyes veering up and down from his hand unsure if he was taunting me with freedom or just using it as a ploy for me to take some drug that might make me more submissive and less aggressive. “I assure you Bella they are not sedatives. I know you think I’m cruel but it’s for your own good. Can’t you see being here with us is your best option, an endless Eden of freedom and luxury?”

I put a fake smile on as my hand reached up, snatched the pills and consumed them whole. In a taunting and almost mockery fashion I smiled, leaned in, kept my lips within inches of his and replied “Anything that would free me from this hell is worth the risk. Now get out!”

My words had no effect on him and on the contrary, he took the opportunity to force his cold lips upon mine causing me to gag as a result. I wasn’t sure if it was my clear train of thought, my constant defiance of his advances or sheer will but once he moved away, that stench, the smell of food gone rotten over weeks in intense heat filled my senses and forced the pills and what little I had in my stomach out onto the bedroom floor.

How did I not smell this before? Was I so blinded by false love that anything to the contrary went mute within me? The illusion of grandeur, an unconditional love like no other had been lost, given to a man undeserving and my young mind manipulated to believe lust was love. It was only as I sat here in a pool of my own vomit, forcing those pills back down my burning throat that I realized just how wrong I had been. I missed my old life, no cares but that of school and endless boredom, a time when I was truly free and warmed by the boisterous laughter of the one true love of my life and best friend. What I wouldn’t give to be there, basking in his endless sunshine and enjoying my youth all the same. How naïve was I and now, married to a lifeless husband, bound to a monstrous family and destined to live in misery, I sit here wishing I had the bottle so I could swallow my destiny and claim happiness in the hereafter. 

My eyes drew heavy within minutes, my strength just enough to bring my body up so I could fall upon the bed to my slumber. I prayed he would come to me again, allow me one moment of peace in a chaotic existence and grant me the solitude of his grace for a few brief hours until the drug wore off.

My eyes were clouded by a dense smoke that surrounded me in an open area of complete darkness. Fear and panic filled me as I tried to find something familiar but nothing would remain in focus. 

“Jake!” I scream out in desperation hoping he will mystically appear and grant me peace but only the sound of my own voice came back and with it complete and utter despair. I fall to my   
knees, the tears falling like a broken faucet onto my cheeks and legs, my hands resting comfortably around my waist as I try to comfort myself in this cold, lifeless dream. 

“Fear is only in your mind Bella. Challenge it...deny its hold on you and you will be free” a deep voice echoes from within the darkness.

“I can’t. I’m afraid” I reply, my voice horse and dry, my energy depleted by despair and longing.

“Face your fear. Find me” 

I muster enough energy to stand, my mind trying to fight the anxiety of the unknown and forcing my legs to take several steps forward, each step causing the fog to dissipate and the scene in front of me to come to light.

Eventually all the smoke dissipates and I’m standing at the foot of a small cabin, the esthetics familiar yet the origin still unknown. I proceed with caution, the front door propped open but not allowing anything from within to be seen unless forced completely open. Slowly I push the door open and peek inside; the wood fire burning off to my right comforts me as the fragrant smell reminds me of times past. 

I move past the door and enter the cabin; I turn to my left and right trying to catch a glimpse of something familiar or an object even that will jog my memory but all I feel is a sense of déjà vu.

Slightly shaken and a bit cold I move towards the fire and extend my quaking hands forward to gain some warmth, a deep sigh exiting my lips as the burning timbers fill me with a sense of comfort and safety I hadn’t felt in a while. As my body fills with heat, pair of warm, firm hands come around my waist and engulf me; their own heat coupled with his scent ease my apprehension and causes my body to submit to his will. I fall heavily into his arms, my hands falling to my sides and gripping his bare firm calves behind me, desperate to ascertain what I know only he can provide.

“You fear the unknown, revel in the longing of something you left behind and find comfort in the memory of what you can never have. Fight the fear, give into the comfort and defy the longing by giving into what you need most.” His words poetic and yet full of truth, my mind soaking in the honesty while trying to fight the urge not to plummet in the despair of such a harsh reality.

“Show me” I whisper as I try to turn my body to face him but his hold on me remains firm and forces me to stand in place.

The heat of his breathe on my neck, the warm of his arms as they encase my body while his hands slide down my stomach and rest softly upon my heated arousal send my mind into a catatonic state. I know illusion from reality, fear from courage, love from hate but here, in this dream, it all seems so real and yet I do not fear him but invite his lovely freely and allow him to show me the purity that is unconditional companionship. I turn all my defense mechanisms off, all reasoning muted and allow my body to enjoy and revel in this moment I had wished and prayed for since my captivity. 

I lose my sight to the darkness of my closed lids, my skin filling with goose bumps as his hands trail along my inner thighs forcing them apart while his lips tease the lower part of my neck. 

The feeling is indescribable as there are no words in the human language that can adequately convey this feeling, the emotion he invokes within me. A single tear escapes my eye, the knowledge that this was what I had and lost and yet I indulge in such affections now. I want to feel like this always, to be worshipped as if I was the only one worthy of such love and admiration and yet I fear giving into to such comfort will leave me with a longing, a grief of loss I can never deal with when this dream ends.

Slowly my hand rises and presses firmly against his lingering fingers above the rim of my pants. I do not want to deny his advances and yet I fear the repercussions of allowing them to continue past this point. My loss, the grief that stricken me after I awake from such a glorious dream will be more than I can bear if this proceeds. 

“Jake you can’t…I can’t bear the loss once you leave me.” I whimper as my body falls heavily into his chest.

My words have no effect on him, his hand pushing past mine and cupping the heat beneath my pants. I wish I had the desire or will to fight him but I can not. My mind and body are in agreement that although the repercussions are devastating, I deserve happiness even if only in my dreams. 

Skillfully his finger moves between my moist folds, his entrance slow while his lips engulf my lobe. My hands on their own accord wrap around his neck, my fingers lacing within his hand and pulling slightly in recourse of his advances. “Just allow yourself to feel. Let the fear dissipate and allow comfort to set in.” he whispers as his other hand comes up and slowly unbuttons my blouse. 

Before long my breasts are exposed to the heat of the blazing fire and my body is weak to his will. Gently his hand slides down and applies pressure to my hip forcing me to turn and face him while his other hand remains within me, stroking and massaging my ache to feel more of him.

“Fear is what keeps you. Don’t try to control the situation but rather find ways to deal with the hand you’re dealt.”

It was strange, as aroused and enthralled as I was it would seem a lesson was being taught to me under extreme circumstance. The first time we met I had to jump and now, being distracted by his gifted talents he is showing me how to combat my fear. Was this all a test, a training exercise to help show me the way out of my own misery? My mind was conflicted; battling the notions of what was transpiring and what was beneath the surface of this somewhat superficial action. 

The thought slightly angered me but I was quick to remember Jake would never do anything to hurt me nor indulge in such a sensual action just to prove a point. I closed off the skeptical part of my mind and allowed his words of wisdom to enter and filter through my negative train of thought. I loved him too much to deny such a pleasure and so I allowed him to continue to teach me, show me a way past my fear and back into the realm of inner strength. 

Trying to regain my focus, I honed in on his eyes, the richness of his onyx orbs as his lids sit at half mask and his lips rest partially apart. An insatiable need slowly fills me as I can feel his desire rest against my thigh and his fingers move more vigorously within me. I want more, need more and so I press my chest against his and take his plump lips within mine, all the longing, desire and need flow from me onto him and with such a strong force he stumbles back and falls with me in tow upon the bear skin rug beneath us. 

It isn’t long before we give in to our primal desperation to be one, our cloths torn, ripped from our flesh and our nakedness entwined within moments. A sense of joy, pleasure and fulfillment overshadow us as our moans of satisfaction echo throughout the hollow cabin. I never knew a passion like this nor experienced anything before this moment, my heart was racing, my body trembling and the love I thought I lost to a bad decision rekindled by his moaning affection towards me. This was how it was meant to be, how my honeymoon was supposed to transpire and how my destiny was supposed to unfold. 

Within moments our bodies quaked in unison, our climax overpowering and welcoming all at once. I could no longer fight the tears that came with my release, everything I wanted, needed and deserved within my arms at that very moment, enjoying this long awaited union and praying it was more of a reality than a dream I concocted in my mind.

As our bodies came down from the euphoric high, Jake’s body rose and hovered over mine, his handsome rustic features only causing my ache to return as if it were never satisfied at all. I could see he was satisfied and almost eager to engage me again but before he could, a cold harsh wind forced the cabin door open and the bitterness of winter fills our bodies and pull us out of our intimate moment.

Instantly I reached up and pulled him to my chest, my body yearning for the heat only he could provide but as his body rested against mine, fear filled my grip when his body remained cold in my arms. I knew this feeling, this bitterness all to well and before I could question it, he rose and instead of my beloved it was my capturer, Edward.

Frantically I tried to push him off me and with good effort I was able to slip from his grasp, gather my cloths and rush out of the cabin. Once my feet touched the snow covered grass, the sight before me turned dark, the familiar feel of hopelessness and grief instantly replacing the endless happiness I felt just moments ago. I tried to remember what he said, to allow the power and strength of his words to fill and empower me but I was weak, so easy swayed by the longing I couldn’t see the happiness anymore. 

It was in that moment I learned that fear is my worst enemy, comfort is my temporary refuge and longing will be all I find if I don’t find my way out of my life. I wanted to feel joy and happiness and bask in the light of my sun but before I could, before I could face him, I had to face my own fears and that included one Edward Cullen.


	8. Chapter 8

BPOV

Rekindling these memories, these moments when life’s lessons were learned only in the realm between reality and illusion did I find comfort. Although painful to read in written form, they remind me of the qualities I need to move forward in the struggles ahead.

The howling wind as it collides with the frozen glass of the bus pulls my attention away from the pages for a moment and out towards the dark night sky. The storm was fierce and unyielding, the swirls of snow as they tunnel in almost tornedo like form around us brings forth the fear that I might never make it to my final destination and face the ultimate challenge, Jake.

A sigh exits my lips at the notion, a sense of cowardice covering over me like a blanket, clinging tightly to my body and almost willing me to turn back. I knew forward was the only direction, for in returning to my prison, allowing myself to become a soulless heathen would be nothing short of an eternity of torture and even facing my wrongs, the people I hurt most, wasn’t as bad as endless despair so I must continue on.

My eyes veer to the pages again as my sweaty fingers turn the page to my next entry. It was amazing how the human mind works, the imaginary forcing itself into my field of vision as if I wasn’t rereading the pages but rather reliving them all at once. I could remember that day, the day I stood up to them, the day I reclaimed the essence that was Bella Swan.

Entry Two – Courage and Determination

Another day of darkness befalls me, the sun hiding from my sight as if God has chosen to shy away from my anguish and allow me to live out my remaining years in isolation.   
I force my weak body to slide from the bed, my hands falling down beside my body just as lifeless as my heart as I drag my feet to the bathroom. There was no sense in caring about my appearance for there was no one to impress, no place I was expected to go other than back to bed where I might find my love once again.

The hot water as it trickles from the faucet creates a steam, the illusion of a dream in formation and yet as I sway my hands in the air, the haunted face of reality stares back at me through the mirror. If I were a person looking from the outsider in, I would think myself deathly ill, my eyes encased in dark circles, the bones of my neck and jaw protruding in such a way that it made my skin look almost stretched to meet the beginning of my ear. I looked like death warmed over and yet I couldn’t bring myself to eat, drink or do anything but sleep. 

In my dreams I was young, beautiful and full of life and it was there where I felt happy, cared for and loved. There was no sense in keeping up my appearance in this reality for in this reality, everyone around me was dead, lifeless and heartless. It would only seem fitting I look the same if only to taunt my keepers at their own game.

After several splashes of water, I feel slightly better than moments before and decide that maybe today I might write my entry from last night. I learned so much from Jake, his voice, his demands of not only my body but of my mind gave me the strength, the will to want to make it out of this alive. I would never insinuate or jest to such a notion to Edward but inwardly, I could feel myself become more alive with each dreamy moment. 

Resting my body on the bed, I reached into the end table drawer and pulled out a small blank journal I found just a few nights before. Here is where I would log my dreams and it was here that when in my darkest hour, I would rekindle the will to make it out of this prison.

After several hours of writing, my body fell weak to its unnourished state and would provide me no more focus for the day. Carefully I left the pen in the binding of the book and slowly placed it in the table beside the bed. Just as I was about to close the drawer, like a whirlwind, in swoons Edward’s hand, which now stands between the drawer and the cabinet.

“And what do we have here?” he inquires, his voice dripping with curiosity while his lips pull into a smile.

I try not to let his appearance hinder my will to close the drawer nor allow my facial expressions of surprise allude to the importance of the sacred book contained within the drawer. “It’s nothing really…nothing that would be of interest to you unless you want to read about how much I despise you and your minion.”

A deep chuckle exits his lips as his hand slide from the drawer just enough to allot me room to close it. “Always a sense of humor…That is what I love about you Bella. Even in these dark times, you still manage to make me laugh.”

The heat of rage and anger roar within my chest, my lips forcing themselves into a smile as my mind screams every obscenity I can conjure and every ill intention I have towards this man so loudly that my head begins to pound from its intensity.

“I thought you might be in the mood for a stroll. The fresh air might do you some good, clear that clouded mind of yours a bit.”

“Oh so you want to take your dog for a walk? Should I get my leash?” I hiss back, the arbor I hold for him evident by my tone and rigid demeanor.

“Unlike your friend, you my love are no dog, although these days some may beg to differ. You really should take better care of yourself Bella; the way you die is the way you live forever. We can’t have you toothless and well…unkempt.”

“Why should I? Does it burn you that your mate will look emaciated and untidy? Do I embarrass my betrothed to the point of disgust?” I taunt, my will growing within me with each moment we continue this little battle of wills.

Within the blink of an eye I find myself on my back, Edward’s body pressed firmly against mine and his hand softly placed around my neck. This was a side of him I never saw but then again,   
I didn’t see much when glamour by love and endless yearning.

“It’s not wise to anger me Bella. I’m on your side here. My family…they think I’m wasting my time with you, that I should just turn you and be done with it but I’m not a beast. I am a respectful gentleman and although you might not find your living arrangements unsuitable, with time, you will come around, I know it.”

“Never!” I hissed back, the determination dripping from my lips as I stared him square in the eye without fear. I couldn’t allow him to crush the small measure of strength I reclaimed after my eye opening dream the night before, no, he wouldn’t get the best of me.

“Never is a long time my sweet and remember I live forever.” He replies, his grip of my neck tighter, the rage in his now bloodshot eyes causing fear to rear its ugly head in me once again but not to cloud my judgment but rather to give him the inclination I would submit, for now.

Turning on the fake empathy I allow the hatred to fall from my expression and the fear to rise up into my eyes and plead for his leniency. As if feeling my submission, his grasp lessons and he turns away, his breathing still labored as he continues, “I need to feed. We will revisit this discussion when I return.”

A cool breeze swirls around me as he rushes out of the room leaving the door wide open as if there is no reason to worry about my escape but he under minds me. When the door slams behind him as he rushes out the front door, I pool my energy, throw on my sweats and a tee shirt and run to the doorway. 

Slowly I pier out and take note that he and I were all that remain in the house so it seems. Softly I tip toe as not to alarm any other member of the family that might still remain as I descend down the stairs. Repeatedly I glance over my shoulder as I go down and remain surprisingly joyful that no one seems to follow. 

In the blink of an eye I am out of the prison and breathing the cool fresh air of fall, the leaves slippery from the previous night’s storm but not enough to delay my run towards freedom.  
I don’t look behind me but inwardly pray no one will follow. As the wet pavement of the road comes into my sight, I can’t help but force my tired muscles to the brink hoping that someone, anyone will be driving by and will aid me in my escape. 

Out of breath and somewhat light headed I stop just shy of the road, my head turning left to right hoping, praying someone will come by at any moment. As if God finally saw fit to grace me with some compassion, a truck comes speeding down the road consumed with what sounds like kids from town. Without delay I wave frantically hoping they can see me and offer me a ride.

Unfortunately for me they continue at the same speed and with nothing to lose, I jump in front of the road causing the driver to take notice and slam on the breaks. I brace for impact knowing at the speed he was driving there was no way he would stop in time. Although not ready to meet my maker, death was the only option either way so I figured this was the best of both. To my surprise, the truck stopped just shy of me, the driver cursing and screaming at me as he threw his beer can to his friends in the back seat and got out.  
Not allotting him time to rant, I pleaded with him, offered whatever he wanted as long as he took me along with him. Although still filled with anger at my stunt, he motioned with his head to the car and I thanked him profusely for his kindness. 

Filled with hope and joy I ran to the passenger side and jumped in, the half-drunk passengers in the back offering me a beer and commenting how I was one crazy bitch for my stunt moments earlier. Just happy to be free from my injustice, I thanked them and hoped they would make haste to town so I could seek help. Unfortunately for us, the moment the driver got in, a load thud against the roof of the truck was a dreadful reminder that I would never see life again for death followed me everywhere.

Not wishing harm on the innocent kids, I rushed out of the car and pleaded with Emmett to spare their lives and in return I would go back home with him. I knew Emmett wasn’t one to be trifled with and found my presence more irritating than the others so when I begged for mercy, he merely laughed and hollered “Soups on.”

The sights before my eyes made the bile rise and exit my lips as I watched in horror at the massacre that transpired before me. He picked them off one by one along with his family members, toying with them at first and finally taking their lives without a second glance. This was what I was destined to be, what I wanted and yet seeing this carnage first hand made me want to take my own life just to be free from the darkness that would surely be bestowed upon me in due time. How did I not see this before? Were the blinders of false love so tight I failed to see the evil right in front of me?

After they had their fill, Edward pulled me by my hair back down the same patch of forest I had cleared hours earlier not sparing me the excruciating pain by using his supernatural speed but rather allowing me to dang like a hang nail, clinging to my hair in an effort to alleviate the strain. Hopelessness fell over me as he threw me on the bed and slammed the door as he left.   
There was no hope for me, not now, not ever.

Sleep blanketed me a few minutes later, my body too bruised and damaged to allow me any further thought. The warmth of his soft skin caused my eyes to open suddenly, fear still nestled within my heart from the day’s events but quickly silenced once my eyes fell up his angelic glow.

“I see fear still resides here” he whispers, his fingers lingering over my heart as he hoovers over me.  
In desperation I reply, “I tried Jake. I tried to be fearless but they found me…they…” his fingers silence me while his head shakes no in return.

“They are lifeless souls Bella. The more you fear them, the more power they have over you. See them for what they really are, have the courage to fight their will to turn you. You were strong once, the strongest young girl I ever knew. You need to find that part of you, channel it and will yourself free.”

“But they’re so strong Jake, so strong and I…”

“You have something they do not. You have a heart, you have free will. You are far smarter than you give yourself credit for. Think Bella… allow your mind to show you the way.”

“I don’t want to talk anymore Jake. I’m tired.” I reply turning away from his gaze while the tears trickle down my cheek.

“Come with me Bella.” his voice orders, his body no longer over mine but rather a few feet off in the distance. It would seem we were back at his family cottage, a place so sacred and special to us both and a place I had always found happiness.

Placing my full trust in him, I rise to my feet and walk over to where he is standing. Before I can reach him, he shimmers away and is now inside the cabin which is engulfed in flames. 

Petrified by the sight I’m unsure what do to. “Bella help me” he hollers from within the dense smoke and with each demand, my heart breaks and yet my feet don’t take a step forward.

I couldn’t allow him to die, not when I needed him more than the air I breathed. Without further thought and pushing all anxiety aside I ran unsure of how I would get him out or how we would both break free of the flames once inside but not caring how or if but more for his safety than anything else.

I stopped just shy of the entrance, my beloved trapped behind the window, coughing and trying to reach for me and yet the flames kept him at bay. Frantically I searched around for an area not consumed with heat but there was none to be found. How was I to free him if I couldn’t get in? 

Just as I began to lose hope, the flapping of a rug on the cloths line just off the right caught my ear. 

I ran to it, pulled it from the line, dipped it in a barrel of water just off to the side, covered myself and ran like a bat out of hell into the flames. I didn’t care if I lived as long as my Jake was out of harm’s way. The moment my body burst through the door the flames mystically disappeared and the sight before me was similar to the dream of last night. There he stood a smile that could outshine the sun on his face as he clapped his hands in congratulatory fashion.

“There’s my Bella. You didn’t think. You just reacted. Your will overshadowed your fear and you faced death to save me. That is courage Bella. That is the determination you need to win your life back, to win me back. Don’t you see it is your love for me that empowers you, moves you enough to want to break free from the chains that bind you to this lifeless existence. Remove the chains and you will be free.”

He made it sound so simple and maybe it was just as easy as that. My fear, my lack of courage was the only thing keeping me in the prison I called home. 

“Adapt Bella. Observe, listen and obey. Discover the weakness of your enemy and use it.”

I rushed into his arms, our time together limited, the lessons I learned more valuable than any I knew and yet I didn’t care to learn them because all I wanted was to be with him forever. I knew this was all a dream, a mystical land my mind made up to offer me solace while schooling me on how to deal with my predicament but I didn’t care. These moments, this time I spent with him was too special and too limited to be wasted on life lessons.

“Can’t I just stay here, with you in this house, just you and me forever?”

Softly he pulls me away from his chest, his forehead resting on mine as he replies “I am only a dream Bella and you know that. I will always be here for you, to guide you, show you true happiness and love but your true place is out there.”

I knew he spoke the truth and that I was being a coward again. He had showed me that I had the power to be the Bella I once was and yet I didn’t want to go back and fight. It was much easier to remain here with him where there was no battle, evil monsters or courageous efforts needed. Here I could just be happy.

“I know it is easier to cower in the face of insurmountable hurdles such as this but you have to Bella. Your heart yearns to be with me out there not in here. You must return for your imprint needs you.”

His words shocked me enough to pull from his grasp and stare at him questionably. 

“You knew this to be true. You continued to deny the pull I had over you when we were together but all along, in your heart you knew we were destined to be together. Why do you think your existence is so bleak? It has nothing to do with the Cullen’s but more to do with the empty space in your soul. Return to me Bella I need you.” He replies, his presence disintegrating as the light of the morning sun beams into the frosty glass of the cabin window.

“No…please…don’t go” I scream in desperation but my pleas go unanswered as my vision goes cloudy for a moment and then returns only to remind me of my doom.  
I was back inside my cell, my soul lost, my heart broken and my body damaged. The sun had once again removed its warmth from my heart and reminded me Jake was only a broken dream, one I could only relive in my memory but one I wouldn’t have to turn to for much longer. Determination and drive remained strong within me for very soon I would return home and there I would find my happiness.


	9. Chapter 9

BPOV

My eyes veer up from the pages and out the window, the familiar sites of home coming into view and with them an overwhelming sense of fear. Fear was always my worst enemy and one I tried to combat both in real life and in my dreams. Each night I went to bed I was without fear because I knew I was safe, safe in his arms and in his love. 

Fear is what has defined me. It is only now, when I face the worst degree of fear that I see living within the womb of the undead was nothing compared to the burden of hate, disgust and disappointment I will soon face at home.

My eyes are quick to dismiss what they have seen, my mind scrambling to find solace back in the pages of my journal, the words contained within the only connection I’ve had with Jake since I left so many years ago. 

I turn with haste through the entries looking for one that might offer me a sense of calm before the impending storm I am about to face. A sense of relief washes over me as I reach the one entry that will quench my thirst for tranquility. With haste I begin to read the entry that ignited my passion, determination and quest for humanity.

Entry twelve – Cut the tie that binds you

The days bleed into one another, my prison still filled with empty promises and meaningless trinkets while my heart forever severed into two pieces, despair and sadness kept its faint heartbeat in the hopes that one day I would be free from all this death. 

Edward visited less often, his disgust over my lack of hygiene, empathy and appreciation limited his ability to stay within my presence for more than a few days a week. Esme, the nicer of the group, dropped in every so often with food, which I never ate and kind reminders that even if I chose not to change, it would be forced upon me if I didn’t at least eat to stay alive.   
For a brief moment I could have sworn I saw pity in her eyes, empathy even but in that same moment, the reddish tone took full shade, casting a shadow over the yellow iris of her eyes and it only reminded me she didn’t pity me, I was merely food, a sense of nourishment her body could no longer quench with human sustenance any longer. I turn away, asking her to leave and with a quick gust of wind she exits locking my cage behind her in one swoop.

The anger boils within me, my hand reaching for the hot plate and tossing it against the door like a child engaging in a temper tantrum. I felt helpless against these monsters, I being the puppet and they the puppeteers, pulling my strings, forcing me to their will for they knew I wasn’t strong enough to stand my ground. To them I was weak, incapable of the power they possess by their immortality but little did they know the strength was growing within me, I could feel it. 

I lean back on the bed and force myself to sleep. My dreams were my strength, my will to keep living long enough to find a way out of this prison. I needed my light to guide me, to show me the way to be free without fear and back into his love once again.

My eyes flutter as I wake into my dream, a smile growing on my face as hope fills my body. When my surroundings come into focus I am instantly shaken. My hands are bound to something cold and in a panic I dare not look up for fear of what I know to be true.

“We are bonded by love and marriage, a bond never to be broken and if broken only by death and not even then..” he whispers, the stale scent of his breath causing the bile to erupt in my stomach and force its way up my throat and into my mouth.

“Some things are meant to be broken.” I hiss in retaliation as I thrash in place trying to free myself and my mind of this horrific nightmare.

“You will never be free of me. I am just as much a part of you as the air you breathe. You will always need me.” He replies while firming his stance and pulling his hands to his chest thus forcing me closer to him.

“Please let me go…” I beg, his strength outnumbering mine ten to one and my fear of the truth to his words breaking my inner strength like a sledge hammer to a cracked piece of stone.

“Find the will to break free of the tie that binds you. Fear is what holds you to him and what commands you to live in pain. Show him you are fearless.” A deeper voice echoes around us, the voice the source of my happiness and my strength.

“You can’t break it Bella. You’re not strong enough.” Edward mocks as a slight chuckle follows his blasphemous words.

As the rage fills me, a thought runs through my mind, outlandish and extreme but one that might just save me from this peril and prove that mind over matter was the key to it all. Jake had spoken about this countless times before, instructing me to use my talents but until now it only proved fruitful when he was here, with me, forcing me to be the woman I had to be to get out of this mess.

“You know what you need to do Bella….find the strength within you…” the voices impedes and with his reassurance I raise our bound hands up and whisper, “You want my blood so bad…bite me.”

As if my words have no effect, he smiles back at me, his grin a mockery of my actions as if he didn’t believe me. “Come on now love, if I wanted to change you I would have already. I always told you it was your choice so just say the words and I will bite.”

Surprised by his reply, I move my wrist closer, “Go head then, bite.”

Annoyance and agitation filled his stance and forced him to turn away. It was in that moment it dawned on me what I needed to do. Edward always thought of himself as a gentleman not an animal so he would never change me without permission. This prison, the cage he keeps me in is more like a nest, a place he can continue to feed me lies in the hopes I will change and offer myself up freely. If I force the animal to come out, he will be forced to flee in an effort not to become the one thing he despises.

As this revelation empowers me I bring my hands down and cast onto him the words that I’ve longed to say but never had the power or strength to say before, “You have no power over me.”

With these words his body dissipates, the tie unraveling between us and offering me the freedom I so rightly deserve. Fear is what held me back, despair is what kept me chained and will power is what will set me free.

Within moments Jake reappears in his place and like a moth to a flame I embrace him, the tears spilling down my face in love and appreciation of his relentless persistence and patience. “It always been within you to face them, battle your demons and be a free woman. This is just one of many battles to come but it will be one that will empower you to face the ultimate fight, the fight for my heart.”

His words were like pin pricks to my heart. In this realm between reality and fantasy I always believed that my return would bring relief, happiness and joy but the truth was it would be the hardest battle of my life. The real Jake would never welcome me with open arms but rather feel hate and animosity for the pain brought on by my sudden disappearance and fake death. It didn’t matter the circumstances of my imprisonment because that one action now defined me. I was weak and would forever be a victim of my poor choice.

“I can feel it rising in you, that fear and uncertainty. If you are to break free of that bind, you must empower yourself with the acknowledgment that things were not within your control and that with time and persistence, what you want most will become your reality.”

“I don’t want reality. I want to be here with you, in this place…forever.” My weaken heart pleas desperate for the fight to be over and for the happiness to begin.

“What you want and what you need are two different things. I know it is easier to be here, to live with that memory of me but it is not where you belong. Embrace what we have learned together, use it and live the life you were meant to live Bella.”

As if my mind was forcing me to face the many truths I had learned that night, the bright sun burned against my skin and forced me from my bliss. I could still feel a hint of fear within me but for the first time, it seemed suppressed which allowed my inner strength to be more prevalent and my mind to begin conjuring my escape. Today I proclaimed the death of Bella Cullen and the resurrection of Bella Swan. Through hell and high water I would reclaim my life and leave death behind.

As I read the last line of my entry, the proclamation of my death and resurrection, a sense of happiness fell over me. My will, determination and sacrifice brought me to this bus, helped me board and kept me here long enough to make my way home. It was me, Bella Swan that fought the devil in the hopes to reenter heavens light and it would be that same resolute strength that will win me the heart of one Jake Black.

As the air released from the brakes and the bus came to a stop, my heart began to beat so erratically I thought it would pound right out of my chest. I had finally made it home, a place I thought I would never see again, faces I thought I would never have the privilege of gazing upon and feelings I never knew existed arises deep within me. 

For the first time in ten years hope reigned supreme and with it the aspiration that my happily ever after was finally within my grasp. The times ahead would be filled with many trials and tribulations but with the promise of a new tomorrow, a life outside fear and disgust, those large hurdles seemed like speed bumps easily ridden over with the speed of determination. I was a new woman, living and breathing and with time, all will fall as it should, it had too.


	10. Chapter 10

BPOV

I couldn’t stop the shivers that filled my body as I watched each passenger rise from their seat and form a line to exit the bus. I knew this day would come, the moment I would face all my fears and suffer the punishment of hatred and rage my loved ones would have in store for me. They weren’t wrong to feel betrayed because I did little to stop the lies that befell them shortly after my marriage.

I was a coward, a willing participant in the lies because I knew if I even so much as dialed my father’s number death would fall upon him and everyone else I loved. Edward and his minion made it painfully clear I was dead, my life before them non-existent and my new eternal life was close at hand.

A smile grows on my face at the notion. They thought they knew me, could glamour me into a life of misery and hopelessness but I proved them wrong. I used their one fault against them and in doing so allowed myself just enough time to break free of my bondage and run for aid.

Thinking about it now fills me with a sense of pride, my good sense coming into play at the most opportune time, a time when they were nearly ravenous with the need to feed and my blood being the key to my freedom. 

Curses flew from his lips as he fought the urge to claim my life, empty promises of further displeasure he would bestow onto me once he returned spill from his lips like water out of a faucet and yet they had no effect on me. I knew it would be at least an hour before they found their kill and fed and that was all the time I needed to escape and mask my scent long enough for them not to be able to track me.

Nevertheless as strong willed as I was to break free and make it this far, that strength slowly diminished as I stared around the empty bus and knew my time had come to finally go home.   
Although determined to make my reemergence into my old life, I wasn’t overly eager to do it just yet. This had to be carefully planned and instituted. I couldn’t just show up at my father’s doorstep and say “Hey dad. I didn’t die. I’m back!” I was sure to be met with shock, surprise and after all that wore off, complete and utter resentment and anger. 

I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to step foot back in Forks but the one benefit I did have was that I didn’t have to do it right now. I could ease my way into the main stream of this small town, appear and disappear just as quickly if only to gather supplies. My father had a small cabin in the woods several miles from town and the reservation so it was there I sought my refuge and it was there I could gather myself and plan this right.

Slowly I rose form my seat and exited the vehicle. “Have a great day!” the bus driver said to me.

“If Only” I replied as I half smiled, pulled the other handle of my backpack on and stepped down off the bus.

My days would be anything but great, solitude and anxiety my only companions until I could muster the courage to face everyone and be strong enough to endure the new hurdles placed before me. I wanted this more than anything, to be around those I loved and cared for however, I was smart enough to know that I would have to earn that love and trust back and it would take all my will to stay and face my demons and not run from what has been placed before me.

The winter air was brutal, its bitter chill burning my skin and bringing forth a shutter in recoil. I had several miles to walk before I reached the town and although I wish I could just go to the cabin, I knew I needed some supplies if I was going to camp out and plan my return. Before taking the long trek home, I stopped inside the bus terminal to grab a few things. If I was going to enter town I needed a disguise, something to shadow my appearance just enough to go unnoticed.

Surprisingly as I glanced through several of the open stores, I found a hooded wool coat and ball cap. Quickly I snatched up the last of both and paid for them quickly. Unfortunately in planning my escape, money was the last thought and so when I ran, I only took $500 with me for the ride. I slap myself now for being so stupid but I never needed money before and so running away was the only thing I could focus on at the time.

Wrapping the coat tightly around me as well as the cap, cocooned in warmth I made my way to the road for the three mile walk towards home.   
After two hours I finally made it to the outskirts of my home town. The streets were buzzing with activity while the sidewalks that outlined the various stores and boutiques were filled with what my father always called “Chatting Kathy’s”.

This town lived and breathed on gossip and I was sure once a whiff of my return came around, I would be the talk of the town for months to come. I was never one for attention, especially attention like that, but someone rising from the grave wasn’t exactly common gossip and therefore warranted the endless questions and concerns of the fair citizens of Forks.

Tightening the hood around my face, I walked slowly and cautiously down the sidewalk, my eyes veering from left to right but never focusing enough as to not call attention to my presence. 

Thankfully everyone seemed to be in their own world and so I moved like a ninja in the night down several blocks and into the hardware store. 

Briskly I walked down several aisles and retrieved a few necessities for the cabin. As I made my way to the counter, an end cap display caught my eye and swiftly reminded me of the necessary of invisibility. Take two large strides I reached for the gallon of boric acid and placed it on the counter with my small bottle of lighter fluid, fake wood, water and candles.   
I had completely forgot that being back in town it wasn’t only my appearance I had to shield but my scent as well. The wolves, if they ventured into town or the neighboring forest would smell me instantly and bring about a chaos I wasn’t quite ready for. It was true I had time in my travels to develop a plan of how I was going to explain everything but the truth of the matter was I was afraid of the truth, how it made me look and how I would feel once everyone had a chance to soak it in. I had to be prepared for anything and most of all completely accepting of the fact that Forks might not be my home for very long.

A sigh exits my lips as I keep my head down and push the money across the counter. I didn’t want to believe that after the truth was told, I would have to leave again and not because of some supernatural reason but because the people that once loved me, despised the person I had become. I thought becoming a vampire would be the ultimate betrayal but thinking about it now, what was told to them about me, faking my death as it were, was far worse than coming back undead. This was a heavy burden to bear and a cross not so easily released from my care.

“Have a great day miss” the friendly shop owner says as he hands me the two bags.

“If only” I reply, the weight of all these truths heavily resting upon my weary shoulders. 

I decide not to linger, stopping only in a local deli to pick up some canned soups, milk, bread and eggs. I didn’t need much, my stomach shrinking into the size of a raisin since my captivity and never holding more than a couple of spoon full for very long. Residing in the home of pure evil was repulsive to me and for a time my appearance, my very well being fell by the waste side to the despair I felt in my heart. I hoped my ghastly appearance would shun them, force them to let me go but instead they mocked and teased me and forced an IV into my arm while I slept. They wanted life to seem utterly hopeless in the hopes that death would be more enticing but that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

I ate a nut or cracker here and there with the occasional almond for protein while they were out feeding but nothing they would ever notice was missing. When I built my mental strength up and felt stronger inside, I worked on the physicality of my need and although still frail in comparison to my younger years, I had enough to get out and finally find freedom. 

The weather was unrelenting in its pursuit to make my travels difficult. In the short time I was in town, dark clouds began to loom and with them precipitation in the form of crackling thunder and sleet. My cloths weighed heavily upon my body, the rain adding at least five pounds to each arm as I dangled the bags within my hands at my sides. My backpack, filled only with a few clothing items, toiletries and journal felt like a fifty pound child on my back. One mile seemed like a hundred at this rate and although I wanted to stop, seek refuge till this storm passed, I couldn’t risk it. I couldn’t be seen, not yet.

The familiar sights of the part in several thick trees just off to my right brings a smile to my face. It was amazing how quickly I recalled the path to our small cabin in the woods. We had only visited it a few times when I was younger but it was always a place of great joy and true peace. Completely blinded by my flooding memories, I failed to realize that I had stopped right in the middle of the road and a rather fast moving vehicle was heading straight for me.

The loud honking of its horn pulled me from my daze just in the nick of time. I turned my attention sideways and quickly responded by leaping across the small patch of road before the grass terrain. The loud screams of the tires skidding rattled me but once I managed to get to my feet, I heard the female driver shout, “What are you high? Watch where you’re walking!” As she floored the gas and sped off.

Something about her voice seemed familiar but I couldn’t quite place it. Shaking the event and the de ja vu, I picked up my scattered groceries and headed for the cabin. The breaking of tree branches as the ice settled in on their frail limbs didn’t help suppress the turmoil forged within my stomach. Every crackle, scrap and bang caused me discomfort so when the cabin finally came into view, I didn’t walk, I ran for refuge.

Dropping my bags to the side, I turn the handle to the door, the lock so old and rusted it offers no recoil to my action and allows the door to open rather easily. Cob webs fill my line of sight and slightly skittish to anything creepy crawly I swiftly sway my hands in front of me and pull the sheet of webs from my eyes.

The smell of pine and age fill my senses as I take a step into an old second home, a place filled with laughter and pure joy once. I desperately wanted those things again, to enjoy life as if it had no end and to bask in the radiance of the love I felt not only for my family but for Jake as well.

It was silly to think that was at all possible after what had transpired over ten years ago but maybe it is true what they say, time heals all wounds.

XXX

JPOV

My chest felt weighted as if a boulder were resting snuggly on my chest. Over the past several years this feeling came and went. Sometimes it was overpowering forcing me to sit and let it pass while other times it was like a phantom, present but hard to place. I knew this feeling well, the demands of my supernatural nature trying to force itself from the cage I placed it in so many years ago and failing miserably against my sheer mental will to keep it there. I didn’t want to relive my past, the pain and suffering I endured at the hands of my imprint, a person destined to be my mate for life who so willingly discarded me without a second glance. I didn’t want to feel that burn of betrayal ever again.

It was easy to get lost in the mundane life I found in Canada, the only demands given by my foreman on the job site or my boisterous and longtime friend and roommate Leah. It was a simple life and although most found it boring, it was peaceful to me.

“We’re almost there” Leah whispers as a smile appears on her face.

Seeing Leah smile was like watching Wednesday from the Adam’s Family smile, intimidating and downright spooky. Over the years Leah found her own little place in the world, dating and experiencing life as if nothing in her past had every happened. It was nice to see you could have a life outside the supernatural realm and although I enjoyed these moments along with her, I knew at some point this good life would come to an end and so it has.

“Don’t remind me” I reply while shifting my body up from its slouched position, hoping the pain will remain at bay and offer me some resemblance of comfort during this painfully long ride.

“I know this isn’t easy. It isn’t easy for me either. It’s taken me all this time to get over what Sam…what they did to me and even now, being a few miles out, the bitterness is still just as sweet. It feels like that part of me has been rekindled, that hatred, that rage is back and I hate it.”

I could empathize with her struggle, mine being of the same nature and on some level worse but nothing could compare to seeing your family and along with that joyous union the reminder that your cousin stole and married your one true love. It was a repeated slap in the face and if that wasn’t bad, you also became a victim of genetics, your own bloodline forcing you into an oversized dog which allows you to hear said persons thoughts, their his recounts of passionate love making sessions and endless I love you's. My world sucked but Leah’s was one level short of pure hell.

Reaching over I grabbed her hand and squeezed. I knew she wouldn’t fight or pull away but rather draw from what little strength I had left. We were like siblings, drawing from each other and supporting one another through whatever was thrown our way. We were walking into a shit storm which both of us would rather not endure however, Billy was important to us both for various reasons and so for him, we return to our own personal hell on earth.

“What the…..!” Leah hollers as she pulls away, braces the wheel and veers to the right avoiding what looks like a girl in the middle of the road.

Thankfully her reflexes were swift and rather than hit the girl, we swerved back and forth like a pin ball in a machine and stopped suddenly.

“What the fuck? I should go out there and kick that girl’s ass!” She hisses as she fights to break free of her seat belt and exit the car.

Knowing what Leah is like in full rage mode I extend my hand and hold her tightly to the seat at her waist. “No one was hurt. Were fine so just let her be.”

She stares back at me, rage and anger still present but slowly simmering as she continues to breathe it out. She knows I’m right. We have priorities and don’t need to be caught up in some legal bullshit should things go south. 

Nodding in acceptance she shifts the truck into gear and hollers out the window, “What are you high? Watch where you’re walking!”

Shaking my head at her action I know this is mild compared to what she could have said had I let her do it. Laughing softly I reply, “Once a hot head always a hot head”

“Shut up Jake.” She replies while trying to hold back her own laughter at my gesture.

Fifteen minutes later we arrive on the Rez and parked in front of Billy’s house. It would seem we were not the only ones called to his bedside. This was not good and deep down I knew I would regret leaving while still regretting coming back. I wasn’t sure how I would handle seeing my father or my friends and although the phantom pain remained somewhat dormant now, the pain in my heart grew at an exponential rate. My past, everything I left behind was coming back to me like a freight train on full speed and although I was able to focus enough to get out of the truck, I wasn’t sure how long I could hold it together once reunited.

Today would be a day of days and if I had my way, we would be gone just as soon as I got everything cleared up. I didn’t want to stay here, my memories pecking at my resolve with each moment. I needed to get back to my own life, a life outside Forks and outside the memories of Bella Swan.


	11. Chapter 11

JPOV

I stood there just beside the truck, Leah’s voice beckoning me to follow but her words were muted as I stared at the pack shadowing behind her. Although she had despised this place and the people within it, her scars healed over time, the lasting memory of a lover lost to imprinting just a passing phase in life’s journey but that didn’t bode the same for me. My memories, my pain resided here, within the tall timbers of the forest and in the very foundation of the place I once called home. There was no healing from this and no turning a blind eye to the travesties of my childhood here. This was and still is my hell, a place of constant turmoil and endless agony.

I tried to force the ill thoughts from my mind and focus on the matter at hand. Once I knew what was going on, I could deal with it and move on. As I take a step towards the questioning men I once called my brothers, my chest tightens as if someone has their hands around my lungs, squeezing to the point of eruption, the pain and discomfort so overwhelming it forces me to my knees in response.

Desperate for air I take several deep breaths, only a small measure of air truly entering my thirsted lungs but just enough to fight off the darkness that threatened to coat my eyes. I experienced this pain before, more times than I care to mention but never had it been this bad, intense and persistent.

Her name escapes my lips - Bella as if my soul pleads with me to rekindle the imprint that left me so long ago. I shake my head in defiance, knowing this woman was not mine to claim nor would she ever be since her choice was clearly death over life. In my heart I knew this to be true but my soul; the one thing that kept me from finding solace at the tip of a blade reminds me that an imprint cannot be denied. Silenced, disputed yes but never denied. One day she would come back to me and although I would find it hard to turn her away, this time she would know the burden of those dreadful words, it can never be you.

A familiar warmth and scent comes upon me and like ice to a heated burn my body simmers and the tension subsides. “You can do this Jake. The sooner you get in there, the quicker this will all be over.” Leah whispers as she grips my arm and helps me to my feet.

“The sooner the better.” I mumble in response as I gather my footing and with her aid walk towards the house.

“So he finally shows us…the so called Alpha” Embry mocks as I move past the crowd of half-naked so called friends I used to know.

Fighting hard not to cause a scene, I turn my eyes to him and spill in one threatening glance all the hate and anger that brews within me. I didn’t ask for this curse or the endless heartache that came along with it. It was fine if they wanted to accept it, live their lives as half breeds but I chose a different path, a path minus the supernatural bullshit I was taught to believe in. I wanted nothing to do with wolves, vampires or any other supernatural being that might be lurking around. I was a man first, a man burned by the only person he truly loved and not because she didn’t love me but because she chose to forget the warmth that unconditional love provided and chose to gravitate towards the darkness of empty promises. They had no idea what hell this curse has brought upon me and if I had my way and my father wasn’t dying, I would offer them the pleasure of experiencing it firsthand. 

“He’s waiting for you Jake” Sam interjects calling my eyes from Embry back over to my right.

Nodding I move up the stairs and through the front door, the scent of death looming all around me as a few women I didn’t recognize sat idly in the living room just off to my left. Trying to remain focused, I continue to move forward and as we approach his room, Leah releases me and whispers, “I’ll wait here.”

I never thought of myself as a weak man, closed off, guarded, even selfish at times but never weak however, as strong as I was, a part of me didn’t want to go in there alone. Although my father and I left off on bad terms, I always had the utmost respect and love for him. I knew seeing him would break me in more ways than one and that emotional wall I worked so hard to build would come crashing down within moments. “Leah…come with me.”

She stared at me awkwardly almost like she was staring into the eyes of stranger but after a moment, the sincerity in my eyes told her it was still me and she accepted. Taking a deep breath I opened the door and wasn’t the least bit surprised to see Charlie on one side of the bed and Sue on the other. 

They both turned and without words greeted me and turned their attention back to dad. The sight of him crippled me, the tubes and machines surrounding his bed brought the significance of the situation to a whole new level. This wasn’t a ploy to get me back home. This was real. My dad was dying.

Overwhelmed by it all, my knees felt weak, my body succumbing to the guilt I felt for not being there in the times when he was well and for those times when he would have needed me most.

“Jacob” he whispers, his voice hoarse as he reaches his arm out to me.

Forcing my body to be strong, I take several large strides towards him and Charlie relinquishes his seat so I can sit beside him. “It’s me dad. I’m here.”

Sensing the need for privacy, Charlie, Sue and Leah leave us to talk and although I feared this might be the last time we ever spent time together, I knew it was best that we be alone.

“I knew you would come back son, back to your home, your people.”

“Dad I…”

Before I could bring up the painful fact that I wasn’t here to stay, he struggles to continue, “I know you despise this beast within you but it is a part of you nevertheless. To deny your destiny is to deny your heritage. Your people need you Jake… now more than ever. Promise me you will stay, claim your rightful place as Alpha and be the man you were destined to be.”

I wanted to promise him I could just slide back into my old ways and be the man he hoped and wished me to be but that just wasn’t me. This wasn’t my home or my people to care for. This was a place of constant reminders of my failed attempts at love. I couldn’t have a home or life here, not with all the bad memories that lingered even within the walls of my old home. 

Sensing my restraint his hand rests upon mine as he whispers, “I know we’ve had our differences. I blame that on your mother’s genes but please Jake…please don’t allow our heritage to die out over our petty differences. Grant me this one request. Grant me forgiveness for my actions and return honor to the ancestral line.”

I could feel his conviction, his desperate need to suture our past and right all our wrongs. I would be the devil himself if I denied him this request, a soulless, heartless son to deny the wishes of a loving and devoting father and so I falter, agreeing to set right the wrongs I’ve done by living and staking claim in the ownership over the pack. 

“Ok Dad…ok.”

A sigh of relief exits his lips as he replies “Thank you my son.”

Before I can continue or add a stipulation to my acceptance, the loud screams of the machines that surround him pull my attention and like a resuscitation pad to an exposed chest I’m shocked into the reality that my father was slipping away. Stricken with fear my voice escapes me as I try to holler for help. Thankfully Sue and Charlie were in the room within minutes, one on the phone dialing 911 and the other trying to check vitals and start resuscitation efforts.

I slide back into my seat, the weight of the events transpiring before me sucking the air form my lungs and causing my heart to race at an exponential rate. I never thought this would be the moment, the only time I would get before he moved on from this world to the next. There were so many things left unsaid, words not recanted, actions that needed to be explained and yet the time was lost to me. My father left under the notion I would become Alpha and I was left with the sorrow of knowing that this was something I could never be.

XXX

JPOV

I sat there for hours, my body stricken into the same position, my eyes veering from left to right while my mind tried to grasp what happened. Images of everything that followed after that ghastly siren were on continuous replay and no matter how much I wanted it to be a dream, in my heart I knew it was real. It felt like the scar upon my heart had been cut back open, all the turmoil, anger and rage that I kept locked inside had been unleashed. I couldn’t contain, yield or force it back in.

My hands clenched the sheets, the growl permeating through my chest so strongly my body began to shake violently in recoil. I could feel him, the beast clawing his way through my skin and forcing himself out. I fought him, denied my need to be free of the human flesh for in giving into this primal desire, I would once again reclaim my seat, take back what I rescinded years ago and to stake claim in something I wanted no part of was just too much to be burden with right now.

“Jake! Jake!” Leah hollers out to me, the fear and anxiety evident by her intense stare and constant shaking and squeezing of my arm.

I wanted to silence her, offer her some solace that I was in fact ok but I knew I was far from it. The fever, that rising heat that burned through my entire body had started and that’s when I knew there was no deny it. He was breaking free. 

In resistance of the change I rose and ran out the room and house hoping the fresh air would penetrate my lungs and force me to focus but I was sadly mistake. The air did cleanse me however it also taunted the beast that was winning the war against my will.

Like a rash stricken child I began to scratch and rub my skin in the hopes I could keep him at bay but each penetrating cut just allowed the human side of me to disappear and the supernatural side emerge. 

“No!” I scream into the silence of the surrounding forest hoping my firm conviction would allot me time to silence this overwhelming sense to be free from the confines of my human flesh.

My efforts prove fruitless as my screams become growls, my human skin sheds from my body like sandpaper to a sharp blade and before long, I tower over my brothers and snarl at the animal I’ve become. It’s strange that I should succumb to the will of my wolf, the one thing I despised and cursed every day since I befell this curse but yet, within this form I find a sense of peace, a freedom lost to me for a time but rekindled by my acceptance of its demands.

I watch with a heated gaze, the anger and guilt still prevalent within me, willing me to leave this place and run and yet I stay, my sights set on each of my pack members like a father to his children. Like obedient servants then kneel on one leg offering their allegiance and the sight disgusts me. In repulsion I howl, the sound ear piercing to the human ear yet painful to even my own pack. Within this loud proclamation my souls cries out for the only person who can save me from this grief and yet I know she will never come, never save me because like I was destine to be, she is and always will be dead inside.

XXXX

BPOV

Sitting by the small fire I was able to conjure from some dusty old firewood along the side of the cabin, I am left with only my thoughts for companionship. It is tranquil in a way and tormenting in others. I was happy to be free from the mockery and fear and yet being home, facing a new hurdle in my life, I was never more scared than I was now. I didn’t have the slightest idea of how I would manage to remain here undetected when it felt like everyone was just dying to know who the mystery girl in town was. I knew I could only hide out here for a week tops before the not so friendly wolf pack caught a whiff of me and told Jake I was back. 

How would I face him? What would I say? How could I convince him it wasn’t love that kept me away but my love for him that kept me alive? There were endless questions that needed   
affirmative answers and yet I couldn’t any way around it. I had to be honest and hope, no pray he could see through the clouded smoke known as denial and hatred and see I was just a young girl who made a terrible mistake.

I couldn’t help but laugh at my own justifications. If it were me, I wouldn’t eat that line of bullshit even if it were served with a golden spoon. The outcome was going to be disastrous no matter which way I twisted the notion around. Despair once again became my refuge and sleep my only reprieve from the thoughts of what was to come.

For the first time I didn’t dream even though my mind fought hard to bring forth the only saving grace that kept me from taking my own life so many years ago. My mind was blank, hollow and empty. Darkness filled my sight and no manifestation of love, comfort or solace came to me. Frustrated by my minds defiance, I screamed within the emptiness of my dreams to try and force myself to wake up. If I was going to bask in nothingness better it be awake than asleep. 

Tirelessly I screamed into the blackness that surrounds me and it wasn’t until a familiar noise returned back to me that I was forced from my sleep and with haste rose from the coach. In a nervous panic I rushed to the window, the howl so strong and desperate I knew it could emanate from only one source, Jake. Feverishly my eyes combed the open fields that lie in front of the cabin but to no avail, silence and undisturbed shrubbery was all I found.

I took several deep breaths, closed my eyes and willed my heart to simmer. There was no use in worry over something I had no control over. If it was Jake and he knew I was here, then he would come. A second ear piercing howl echoes through the night and with it my chest begins to burn as if a match was being held to my skin. I cringe, clinging to my body in the hopes it will pass but it doesn’t, it merely intensifies and debilitates me to my knees.

“Oh God make it stop” I whimper as the tears fall from my eyes, the pain and discomfort overwhelming and so powerful I feared I might need more than God to save me from it.  
I fall back and slide down the wall just beside the window, my body curled around my knees in the hopes that with time this pain will pass. I had no idea where it was coming from or why it hurt so much but there was little I could do to stop it so time had to be my saving grace.

I closed my eyes and for the first time I prayed. I asked God to save me from this pain and allow me the ability to live my life for just one more day. There was so much left unsaid, so many wrongs that needed to be corrected and to die now would be nothing short of cowardly. My body being so fragile and exhausted returned me back to that black hole known as sleep and for now, loneliness became my only comfort and the only saving grace to this torment known as life.


	12. Chapter 12

A week later…

BPOV

The excruciating pain eventually subsided but in the days that followed, it would reemerge every so often reminding me I wasn’t dreaming and that something was terribly wrong. I tried to keep the fear of what it might mean at bay while I focused on how I was going to reintroduce myself into the world of the living. My supply was running low and from the looks of it outside, a terrible storm was brewing on the horizon. I wouldn’t last a few days let alone a week if the storm produced damaging winds and heavy snow. 

I tried to muster what little degree of strength I had and forced myself to get dressed and venture back out to town. I knew I was playing devil’s advocate, that at some point someone would see me and shit would hit the fan but what choice did I have? I had to face my fear and face whatever obstacles stood in my way.

Wrapping the scarf around my chin and tightening the hood around my head I ventured out into the woods, my fearful eyes always glancing over my shoulder as I continued to pour boric acid behind my steps to hide my scent. I was naïve in many facets of my life but stupid, not any more. If the Cullen’s did come back or the pack was out, one or both would pick up my scent instantly and I wasn’t ready for either at the moment.

A sigh of relief exits my lips as the cement of the paved road comes into sight. Overly anxious to read the road, I decide to sprint and rush my travels so I could get home before dark. The bad thing about living out in the woods is that I had no sense of time and went merely on the heat of the sun and its position in the sky. 

The cool breeze as it brushed against my face offered a small measure of peace and tranquility. I never thought I would miss something as simple as freedom but the more I attained, the more I enjoyed it. Clumsiness always being my nemesis decided now would be the perfect time to lose balance and as my foot rose to take another trek forward, the tip of my sneaker caught an oversized rock and sent me crashing down into the snowy dirt below.

Extremely frustrated with my lack of coordination, I curse myself for my clumsiness while turning so I can get to my feet. As I contort my body to turn, a sharp pain courses from my ankle and sends my mind for a loop. Trying to remain focused I look down and notice the blood stain that has saturated my jeans and part of my sneaker. Fearful of what I might find beneath, I rise to my knees and lean down, rolling the jeans up slowly and with each curl, the simple side swipe of the material brings forth more pain from the wounded area. 

“Shit” I curse under my breath as the blood continues to seep out of the hole that the petruting bone of my ankle has made in my skin.

In a rush I reach for some snow and place it on the wound. I wasn’t a medic, nurse or anything remotely resembling a medical physician. I didn’t know the first thing about mending this and I feared the longer I remained; the larger my chances were of being caught. Pulling the scarf from around my face I tied it around my ankle tightly, the pressure causing the wound to pulse in extreme pain. I muffled my cries by biting on my lower lip so hard I was sure that would soon bleed. 

If I didn’t bleed out or Mother Nature didn’t take me with her cool rapture, I was sure unconsciousness would befall me soon enough. Trying to remain strong and determined to at the very least get back to the cabin, I force myself to stand, keeping my bad leg bent as not to add any further pressure. Slowly I limped back the way I came but found each step more painful than the next. After several minutes and getting only a few feet in front of me I succumbed to my injury and fell back down onto the ground.

Seeking comfort, I curled into a ball on the floor and hoped if my fate was death that she takes me quickly. The bitter cold seeped beneath the fabric of my jacket within moments, numbing me and causing my body to become stiff and unresponsive. It was a cowardly way to die but at least I could die knowing I had every intention of righting my wrongs and died trying.  
My eyes became heavy as my mind finally gave up fighting. As my eyes began to roll back, a sudden warmth cascaded over me and although I was curious, I was too weak to fight the darkness that consumed me. With my last breath I whisper into the air, “Jake…I’m sorry.”

XXX

It’s strange how the mind works. One moment it is welcoming me into a dream state, a place I longed for since my first day in captivity and then something suddenly pulls me from bliss and back to my tormented reality. 

A wet heated substance replaces the coldness around my chest and forces my eyes to open for a moment, the speed of the ground moving beneath me while something held me in its embrace. The constant movement made me dizzy and back to sleep I fell, back into the arms of the man I longed to see since my escape.

What seemed like a few short moments must have been hours later for when I was pulled again by something hot and warm being applied to my head, while something painfully abrasive was being applied to my ankle, I woke again, the person coming to my aid appearing blurry and disfigured but not so blurry as I could tell it was woman based on her jet black hair and tender touch.

“Who are…” I whispered my voice horse and raspy as I tried to force more words out but my throat was too dry to allow for much more than the two I uttered.

“Rest Bella… Rest” she replies and with her wishes my mind falls back into slumber. I was thankful for this angel that saved me and I hoped, with time, I could thank her properly and in better health.

JPOV

I ran for hours forcing every muscle and bone in my body to the brink, not caring where I ended up as long as it was far from Forks. I hated this place and everyone in it, my one last tie to this God awful place dying just hours earlier and offering me nothing but the weight of my promise to his dying ears.

Exhausted and weak I find slumber in a remote cave and allow my body the rest it needs before I carry on. I knew I was no better than her, running away from my life, forcing everyone that cared about me to be stricken with worry but the thought of residing here, taking my place as pack leader was just too painful to bear. 

What if she came back? Maybe not now or even ten years from now but at some point she might decide to grace us with her ungodly presence, what then? There was so much residual anger, so much contempt I held for her that I wasn’t sure I could even be cordial. Although the supernatural sides of me longed to see her, smell her strawberry fragranced hair, feel the warmth of her skin on mine, I knew this was just false hope. She chose her destiny as I must now chose mine.

The heat of the morning sun woke me the following morning and although I hated the idea of returning home, I knew it was the right thing to do. I returned back to my home, the pack anxiously waiting for me and my guidance. I was surprised when no one spoke to me as I climbed the porch stairs and entered the house, however something told me Leah had given in and told them everything.

I knew the next few days would be the hardest but at the very least I could honor my father’s last wishes and be the man he wanted me to be even if that meant sacrificing my own sanity and freedom to do so.

XXXX

Resting my troubled mind, I sat in the rocking chair on the front porch and gazed out into the wildness hoping to find something, anything that would ease the heartache that filled my waking moments. Aside from the condolences and awkward stares, the lingering sense of guilt over my choice to leave was resting heavily upon my shoulders. Not only did I have to reclaim my place in the pack but I had to regain their confidence in me as well. I could care less about their thoughts of me and my actions but a part of me knew I had to let them speak their peace if we were ever going to work as a unit.

Thinking back on the past week, it became increasingly clear to me how vacant Leah had become in my life She was there to help with the arrangements but the minute someone came with food or condolences she was gone like the wind. I quickly dismissed her actions at the time, chalking it up to her own personal discomfort being around the pack again but it was definitely not like her to leave me to the wolves.

As I shifted my sight off to the right I noticed a rustling in the trees. I rose from the chair and took a step forward to try and see if whatever it was would come out into the clearing but it only continued to fester within the dense forest. Bewildered and curious I moved off the porch and ran towards the source of the movement but as I drew closer, whatever it was rushed further into the timbers.

Having not phased in a while and trying to take every precaution necessary, I allowed the wolf to stake claim and ran in after it. With my keen sense of smell, I deduced the origin and was once again baffled by my findings. What was Leah doing out here? She swore not to take wolf form if only to remain oblivious to the angered taunts and ranting’s of the pack so why now? 

Still too curious to let it go, I follow her scent until I reach a clearing a few miles up. The house seemed vaguely familiar but I wasn’t quite sure why. As my paws touched upon the snow ahead of me, another scent invades my senses and causes me to stop. Defying what I know to be true I stand there and wait to see if what I knew to be true was in fact the truth.

Honing all my abilities into my ears, I hone in on what seems like mumbling from my distance becoming increasingly clear conversation instantaneously. Incapable of stopping the anger that fills me at the recognition of the voice I howl loudly causing the neighboring tree to shake in recoil. 

Within moments Leah immerges from the front door of the cabin and in her rush, the door behind her remains open and provides me the proof I need. Resting on the couch, consumed by blankets is Bella, paler than a ghost and just as shocked as I was. I wasn’t sure what to believe but right now all I wanted to do was rip her heart apart.


	13. Chapter 13

Moments earlier…

BPOV

You can imagine my surprise when the fever broke and I could see who had saved me from death. I never thought out of all the people in the world Leah would be the one to bring me back to life. Although slightly saddened it was her and not Jake, I was eternally grateful for her efforts. 

The days that followed after my fight with death were quiet ones, often times being left alone to my thoughts and pondering over how I was going to deal with this new development. I was sure Leah had told Jake I was alive and that at any moment he would either come rushing in to see me or send word that he wanted nothing to do with me. However, as time passed and nothing happened, I started to wonder why Leah continued to help and why she remained silent.

The storm that threatened our small town was now on day three of its tirade, the wind whipping around the cabin, rattling the hinged windows and offering no signs of ever letting up. I leaned up on the coach and tried to move but my limbs were weak and my body couldn’t stand the weight of itself for any prolonged period of time so I conceded to just remaining still and waiting for Leah to arrive.

It wasn’t long before the heaviness of her paws hit the front porch of the small cabin, the weight of her massive size causing the wood to creek and crackle under the pressure, a natural burglar alarm of sorts which alerted me to her arrival. Taking a deep breath I mustered what little courage I had left and tried to force myself to ask the questions I had been dying to ask since my discovery.

Completely naked she enters the cabin, her grasp quick as she pulls the shorts and tee shirt from the hook behind the door and places it over her body.

“I see we are feeling much better today.” she replies while walking over to the stove to heat the tea kettle.

“Yes. I was actually able to sit up today which is a positive sign I think” I reply enthusiastically as I watch her grab two mugs from the cabinet and place two tea bags within them.

“I don’t have much time. I know Jake senses something and the longer I stay away, the more suspicious he will be. I can’t have him finding out about you just yet. He is too fucked up over his father’s death to have this falling into his lap right now.” 

The weight of her words felt like a brick on my chest. Billy Black was dead. I knew the ramifications of such an event not only on Jake but the pack and my father as well. He was a loved man by many and his loss would be felt for many years to come. I too loved him like a father; often times seeking counsel with him when I felt I had no one else to turn too. He was one of only a few I trusted and the loss of him made my heart skip a beat.

I tried to fight back the tears but they were just as relentless as the burning pain in my chest. My heart felt like it was being severed into tiny pieces and although the pain that once caused me so much distress from some unknown origin felt harsh, this was far worse. 

Gasping for air, my distress called Leah to my aid, her hand gripping in mine as she urgently whispered, “You need to breathe Bella. I know it seems hard but you have to work through this. The pain you feel is not only your own but you knew that.”

Trying to steady my breathing while trying to decipher what she meant, I stared at her questionably and waited patiently for her to continue. She returned my perplexed look but it wasn’t long before her facial expression changed when she realized I had no idea what she was talking out.

Quickly she tries to cover her steps and continues, “Never mind. Listen, you need to just calm down. We can’t have you falling into unconsciousness again. Your body is too weak and I can’t be here long enough to see you out of it. For once in your life you need to fight to live Bella.”

I knew she spoke the truth and fighting for my life had become second nature to me since I left over ten years ago. Closing my eyes I focused on my breathing and with time managed to calm my startled heart to return to its normal rhythm. When relief washed over me, I opened them again but like a loud crash of dishes to the floor, the sound of an ear piercing howl from outside brought the nervous anxiety right back as if it never left.

Panic stricken us both at the noise, my eyes searching hers for answers while her stare was of sheer terror and confusion over what to do about it. Swiftly she pulls away and as she makes her way to the door she commands, “Whatever you hear…do not get up. Let me deal with him alone.”

By him I knew she meant Jake and that thought alone made me fearful enough to heed her warning. I wasn’t the least bit prepared to face him but then again, when would be the right time? 

So many times in my life I was forced to face things unconscionable so this was the lesser of two evils but be that at it may, I was still not prepared to receive the anger I was sure that was heading my way.

With the gusty wind and her strong force the door swung open, my eyes became fixated on the deep brown almost black eyes of a wolf standing off into the distance. He was massive in size, his light, brown fur such a contrast to the white snow that surrounds him however as beautiful as he was, the anger I could feel by stare alone was debilitating.

“Remember…stay here” she commands calling my attention to her firm stance in the doorway.

I nod and with my approval she takes off, her cloths ripping from her skin like tissue paper and the wolf I knew her to be but never truly witnessed before today immerging, beautiful and just as fierce. My eyes never left them, the two standing a few feet apart, snarling and exposing their teeth to one another as they fought over me. I hated that my presence caused such a rift and I didn’t want either of them getting hurt over me.

Forcing my weak body up further, I swung my legs over the side of the couch and took a deep breath, mastering the art of actually standup and walking was going to be a feat onto itself seeing as I had been sedentary for longer than I had ever been before. 

The loud thumps as the two battled it out forced my mind to refocus and trying as hard as I could, I rose from the couch and stood. I could feel my muscles tensing, the defiance of my body to allow me to move but I wasn’t going to give up, not when I could stop this madness. “Walk Bella, Walk!” I hollered, commanding my body to do my biding. 

My leg shook as I took one step after another, my clumsiness in full effect but my mind focused on stopping them before it went too far. Out of breath and exhausted I finally make it to the doorframe, leaning all my body weight against it, I take several deep breaths and scream in one final plea to make them stop, “STOP!”

As if my words struck a chord, Jake’s sharp teeth hovered over Leah’s neck, her whimpers offering no refuge from her impending doom. “Jake please stop!” I holler once more as my body slides down the doorframe and pools on the floor.

I watch through glossy eyes, my head pounding in sync with my heart, my sight fading as unconsciousness settled in but I fought my bodies response, I needed to be sure it was over before I gave into fatigue.

His stare, the anger and rage burning at my resolve and breaking my weak heart with every moment we remained entranced within each other’s eyes. I knew this day would come, the day I faced my fear and allowed his fury to extinguish what little hope left that he would welcome me back into the fold. Was I foolish to keep hope alive? Maybe but I always thought that true love, not the one’s written in story books or told to children to give them false hope that prince charming was out there waiting for them when they grew up, not that love but the unconditional, irrevocable and undeniable love you felt instantly upon meeting that special person without knowing them at all and yet still feeling as if they were your world, that love I always thought could break any spell. 

He removed himself from Leah and looked away, the pain of his dismissal far worse than the evil stare he cast upon me just moments earlier. I knew this was just the beginning of hell’s fury for me but never did I think that I would feel it this strongly as if it were I who felt cheated and discarded.

There was no denying this emotional connection between us, his emotions felt strong within me while I was sure my emotions were the same within him. If this were not the case why would he stop when commanded? If his will was so strong, his anger so intense why when I pleaded did he stop mid bite? 

The questions seemed endless and although I’m sure there was a plain simple answer to them, nothing was coming to my clouded mind just yet. I watched as he ran off into the forest and with his departure my mind felt slightly less pressure and my heart noticeably simmered. Leah was quick to her feet and back into human form within moments, her body bruised, scratched and bleeding but at least I was able to return the favor and save her life.

Limping through the dense snow she made her way to me, stopping on her way inside she extended her hand to me and I graciously accepted. Both emotionally and physically strained we found refuge on the coach, I sliding my knees to my chest while she wrapped the blanket around her exposed body. The silence between us remained for a while neither of us wanting to address what happened nor what we knew to be true.

However peaceful silence never lasted long and of course she was the one to break it first.

“He still loves you. He will openly deny it but I can feel the anger, understand the hurt he experiences each moment it happens. I’ve been with him a long time and although we were not connected via our wolf mind, I could always tell when his mind was drifting and each time I knew he was thinking of you.”

Her words were comforting but I knew although he might truly feel this way, the barrier of resentment was thick and impermeable at least for now.

“I know. I can feel it. I know there are so many questions and even with answers there is no justification for my actions but I hope, maybe with time, he will simmer enough to allow me to explain.”

She turns to me, her eyes reflective of sympathy and compassion, something I never thought I would see in her but joyous to feel nevertheless.

“I hope for yours and his sake he does. It’s not healthy to be that angry all the time. I should know. I lived with the hate for many years once Sam imprinted on my cousin. It was the one thing I despised about our kind, this predestined fate that we had no control over and even if it meant hurting the one person we claimed to love, we could never deny it. It was fate.”

Leaning over I grabbed her hand and gripped it firmly while I responded, “If I learned anything from my life with Edward it was that fate is not finite. We determine our own path, make our own mistakes but ultimately we decide how our life will play out. It is our choice to give into fate or fight it. I chose to fight it and although the road to my happiness is paved with large hurdles, I can say confidently I was better for it.”

My small inspirational speech brought me a return smile and although I felt confident in my conviction, I can’t say I didn’t have my own doubts about its validity. Was fate determined or could we in fact twist and mold it into something worth fighting for? 

I wanted to believe my life wasn’t predestined, that all my struggles were because I chose the wrong path and not the right one to begin with. I wanted to believe my dreams were not the only glimpse of happiness I would ever see and that with time I could reclaim my sun, my true heart’s desire and be happy. This was my destiny, my fate as it were and if I had to go down fighting so be it.


	14. Chapter 14

JPOV

The anger festered within me, the inner conflict burning through my veins and forcing me to thrash around, dig deeper in the ground and demand my muscles take on this brute force just so I could extinguish the resentment and hate I felt towards myself and Bella. 

This was the first time I hated my ancestry and not for the simple reason that I became a big bad wolf but because fate chose her to be my soul mate. I never hated myself more than I did right now, the vulnerably the imprint made me even in my strongest form frustrating and a persistent nuisance the more and more I thought about it. There were so many things I could have done once I saw her and yet I let the rage for her past actions consume me and block out reason all in an effort to make her feel the pain she left me with all those years ago. How childish was I? How stupid? 

After so many years and feeling somewhat confident that I had moved past this to not only fall back into old habits but to embrace the anger I fought so hard to suppress made my body fill with a mixture of guilt and self-loathing. I didn’t know what to do or how to combat such an all-consuming emotion, my mouth thirsty for revenge while my heart broke at the mind inflicting images of the fear I saw gloss over in her eyes. Never once did I feel like a monster, a creature of nature whose only quest was to inflict pain and yet here I was becoming just that. I was a mess, completely and utterly confused by my conflicting feelings and unsure how to rectify all that had been shoved on my plate in less than a week. 

This was too much for one person to bear and although disclosing Bella’s return to the human world would be the right thing to do, something in me felt the need to conceal it, keep it at bay until I had time to rectify these ailing emotions and speak to her before all hell broke loose once again. I knew it was selfish to keep such a big secret especially when I wasn’t the only one to suffer from her loss however, I had just as much of a right as all she held dear and so blank minded I would be until I could figure this all out.

The warmth of a slippery yet firm texture seeped between my paws and pulled my mind from its perplexed state and back towards my surroundings. It was funny how inadvertently I would come here; seek refuge in a place that founded so many childhood memories. As if I phased back to the future, images of my childhood, of Bella and I playing in the sand, building sand castles, exchanging mud pies and all the while laughing and enjoying the simplicities of life appeared before my very eyes. 

Falling onto my stomach I submit to the happiness such memories provide and watch in awe desperate to feel that happiness, that unconditional love if only for a little while. It would seem that the day she left me was the day I swore off not only love but the beating of my own heart. I became, hollow, vacant of every emotion because to feel meant to know pain and I didn’t want to feel that empty ever again.

As if my mind wished to antagonize me more and remind me just how empty my life without her had been, it focuses in closely as if it were a camera on extreme zoom to a moment I had long since forgotten until now. 

“Don’t cry Bella. Your Jake is here. I won’t let anyone hurt you” I reply as I reach out to her shivering, scared little hand.

“I’m scared Jake. My daddy says we shouldn’t be out here…that the big bad wolf will come and take us away. I don’t want to be taken away Jake” she whimpers as the tears fall down her flush cheeks.

A soft growl permeates from behind them; a pair of yellow eyes shimmering through the dark timbers and beckons another fearful wail from Bella.

“You don’t have to be scared Bella…my daddy says one day I will be a wolf so I will be able to protect you. Take my hand…we will run together.”

I watch as she grips my hand and off we run from whatever decided we looked like dinner. This memory had been lost to me, almost purposely erased just so I could begin to learn to hate her rather than grieve from the loss of her. I made a promise even before the imprint was sealed, before I became the wolf I was destined to become and as always being a man of my word, I couldn’t in good conscience go back on it even if she did deserve it. 

I found myself even more conflicted than before, the need to find relief in her own anguish over the loss of me to my need to comfort her through it. How do you satisfy the need for revenge while quenching the thirst for desire? How do you fight your hearts demands while silencing your minds bidding to unleash the fury of resentment? I find myself tethering between what my heart wants and what I know needs to happen. There didn’t seem to be a right answer, at least not one I could live with.

Resorting to the fact that dwelling on it wasn’t helping matters, I decided to head back and possibly speak to Leah when and if she reemerged. I knew there would be hell to pay for my rash actions but I also knew there were apologies to be made and those could only be accepted if she fully divulged how and why Bella was back. 

I didn’t run with such determination back home, my mind trying to find an outlet, something I could focus on as I neared the clearing of trees just ahead. I knew the pack mind was strong and although I would build a brick wall around my thoughts, sometimes just the smallest thing made me lose focus and that’s all it took for the flood gates to open and my secret to be let free.

Before I can find that special thing to focus my mind on, a voice interrupts my thoughts, “Tell me again why he is our leader? He acts more like a child and less like an alpha the more he hangs around here. You have been more of a leader to us than this deserter; just fight him for the title Sam. We all think you’ve earned it” 

“Enough! This is not up for discussion. Jake was chosen for a reason and although it might not be clear to us why…we must trust and believe it all happens for a reason. ” Sam’s voice replies and for a second I feel a sense of pride that even with my departure, at the very least, Sam understood and vouched for me.

Once within the opening, I phased back into human form and walked towards the house. Embry was the first to break free, running towards me with some cloths in his hand. Abruptly he stopped in front of me, extended the cloths out and I was quick to pull them from his grasp and nod my thankfulness.

Once clothed, I made my way over to the others just a few steps behind Embry, my eyes scanning each to see who the one to defy my supremacy was. In all honesty I never wanted this position or anything that had to do with the supernatural part of my genetics but if I was to rule the roast, at least temporarily, I understood it had to be as a unified pack. 

In an effort to smooth things over even if in my heart I felt no need to justify my actions, I replied to mystery pack member in a calm and collective fashion, “I know you all don’t want me here and I can understand why you feel I have no right to be your Alpha but let’s face it, whether we like it or not I am and so in keeping with that notion I would like to apologize for my absence and try to make a clean start. I know I have to earn your respect and trust and I hope with time that will all come like second nature to you however, in order to do that, I have to know that each of you are willing to put the time and effort that is needed to achieve this goal. I won’t tolerate having to explain every decision I make nor will I tolerate listening to how you feel my judgments are rash or out of line.”

I pause a moment and move past the huddle and towards the entrance to my porch. Turning slowly I finish by saying, “If we are to work as a pack, then we must all work together. Ultimately any decision I make will be as a result of all of us coming together and making one unified decision and standing by that decision no matter what the outcome. I might be Alpha but an Alpha alone cannot defend a tribe. I will need your support to do that and I will work hard to gain that and prove myself worthy of your trust once more.”

I watched as each one looked at one another unsure of how to take my response. In normal Sam fashion, he was the first to move towards me and reply, “We have no choice but to follow your lead but we do have a choice to move with you or against you. I believe everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves and so I hope you take this opportunity seriously as well as the well- being of this pack and our home. You are no just Jacob Black, you are Alpha and protector of our people, own that right and you will own the trust and loyalty of those that surround you now.”

I felt the conviction and truth in his words as his hand braced my shoulders. I had no idea what being leader of the pack would mean for me but this was my destiny and for once I couldn’t run but rather face it and earn my rightful place in this life.

A few days later…

BPOV

I couldn’t fight the anxiety and fear that filled me while I waited for Leah to return. She left enough food for me to fend for myself but I didn’t think she would be gone this long. Did something go wrong? Did Jake finally tear her apart just for helping me? 

I knew remaining her and not stepping up to the plate and facing his wrath was cowardly but I also didn’t want to force myself upon him either. I could feel the rage and resentment burn through his heated stare that night we unknowingly got reintroduced, and feared that he wouldn’t be open to hearing my reasons for returning home. This was a heavy burden to bear by itself but coupling it with the death of his father; I couldn’t even begin to image the grief that stricken him.

Although thankful I seemed to recover quickly and was more mobile by the hour, being stuck here, incapable of explaining myself to anyone was driving me mad. I tried to remind myself patience was a virtue best suited for right now but by God hadn’t I waited long enough? I spent ten years of my life waiting for the moment to be free and here I was captive again by my own fear and guilt.

Had I not learned anything he taught me? Had I allowed all those qualities he etched into my mind go to waste all due to the simple fact that my presence seemed more like a burden than a blessing? I knew this journey would be difficult, that my reintroduction would come with some resentment but why was I letting that stop me? I traveled many hours and faced potential death to be here and I wasn’t about to waste precious time dwelling on what I couldn’t change. I had to face him, own up to my demons and let fate fall where it may.

The flames of determination filled me and ignited a passion once felt not too long ago. With haste I dressed myself for the harsh winter and made my way to the door. There was no one here to stop me, no one to try and persuade me to wait this out. It was now or never and although sooner or later death would call me into her bosom, demand I return to the vows I so freely gave ten years earlier, I would be damned if I didn’t give this my all and go down in flames of glory. Hell or high water I was going to finally make peace with my demons and hope that with divulgence came forgiveness and with time the ability to love once again.


End file.
